Cheatham County Rock Star's Wife

Love is in the air...

2012-02-14T20:16:00.004-06:00

Probably the most overused blog title on this day. So what?

We celebrated Valentine's Day in the tradition we started the night before Derek was born. It was raining hard that night. I was scheduled to be induced at 7 the next morning. We dropped Rachel, then 2.5, off with Randy's sister Amy & her family. There weren't as many places to eat around here then. We went to Red Lobster, and it was packed. We looked somewhere else, but I can't remember where. Anyway, we finally went to Cracker Barrel and they got us in. We sat at a quiet little table for two with one of those oil lamps... it was very sweet and even a little romantic.

After that, it was kind of hard to get a babysitter for Valentine's Day in the middle of the week. It was just easier to take the kids along and make it a family meal. We haven't done it every year, and Rachel couldn't be with us this year. We talked about it, but Derek was going to a competition today, and we weren't sure when he'd be home. In the meantime, she made plans to go to church tonight. It just didn't time out for us to all go together.

Well, now Randy's going to bed and I'm watching a show about a group that's working against gang violence in Chicago. When I decided to become a teacher, I didn't get into it to be a community changer. I thought I would work at Sycamore, where I could work the hours my kids were in school and be available to go to their sports events and be off when D was practicing for football. And I was, even though I didn't work at Sycamore. But I was teaching in a different universe. I was teaching in South Nashville, where I really felt like I got to know my students and I felt like I was making a difference in the lives of the kids.

I liked it, but when the opportunity to work closer to home came, I took it. I loved my new classroom, but I missed the community. I still miss it, really, but I know there are kids who need help here too. There aren't as many businesses wanting to throw money at the public school system here, but I know a lot of the kids are living in those same types of communities... kids getting shot (there were three young adults shot last semester, most known by many kids from school), kids getting killed in car accidents, kids who are being abused, neglected, you name it. It's a crazy world, and yet, if we'd lived 300 yards east of here, our kids would've been zoned for it. And even though we live 15 miles from the "hood," we only have to look out the living room window to see a lot of the same issues. Our neighbors (and I'm not just talking about the ones in the subdivision) don't look different from us, but they have family in jail, and problems. The mission field is right around me.

And I-I-I - will always love you....

2012-02-12T22:44:00.004-06:00

I watched the Grammys tonight. I haven't enjoyed an awards show that much in a long time. I didn't think I'd want to watch the whole show but it was great. Loved the Beach Boys reunion. Yes, they are old as water but they REALLY sound good. Why didn't they put Glen Campbell up there with them? He used to be a Beach Boy too. I think he is getting out just in time (poor guy), but I love him and his songs. I can sing "Wichita Lineman." Paul McCartney is also up there in the geriatric category, but he ROCKED. Foo Fighters rock too, always. I thought Coldplay was pretty good, sort of liked Rihanna. Did not enjoy Nicki Minaj's... whatever that was. Some people didn't like Jennifer Hudson's tribute to Whitney Houston, but I thought she did a wonderful job. I am the keeper of the "Hee Haw" flame, and did not care for Taylor Swift's set that looked like some junkyards I've seen in Robertson County. (Cheatham, too, for that matter.) I didn't pay much attention to the others... And that's my Grammy review.

The greatest love of all

2012-02-11T20:55:00.002-06:00

When I was a freshman in college, this song took the world by storm. This morning I heard it on "Coming to America," performed by Eddie Murphy as Randy Watson, "who played Joe the Policeman on the 'What's Goin' Down' episode of 'That's My Mama!'" Tonight, I played the real version, in memory of the late great Whitney Houston. God rest her soul. So sad.

You gotta have faith.

2012-02-11T17:05:00.003-06:00

I have wasted much of this day. That would be all right if I'd had the time to lose, but when you get to be 44 and in the first few years of a career that could potentially take 60 hours a week, and you're in grad school which could potentially take 12 hours a week (or more), there's not much wiggle room. So today I TOTALLY FORGOT that there was a youth group spaghetti dinner tonight until 3 hours before it was to begin... and of course nobody knew the time so I assumed it was 5. Got up there to start boiling spaghetti at 4:30 and nobody was there. Nice. So I came back.

Most of the day I've been in a rotten mood even though I tried very hard not to be. I tried feeding all my needs - enough caffeine, protein, etc. This morning I asked myself what I needed to do to get out of my funky mood and the Partridge Family theme came into my mind. "C'mon, get happy!!!"

Well, for awhile I did okay. Then Randy told me about the spaghetti dinner, WHICH he's not attending with me because he's gone to Outback with his mom. It's the annual UK vs Vandy game, and they're eating out before that. I really wouldn't have wanted him to miss that for the spaghetti dinner. I'd just completely forgotten.

As I was leaving the church (the first time, remember... gotta go back in a few), I thought, what am I gonna do with an hour??? And I saw the sign on the church... "You can do more in one hour with God than in a lifetime without Him." I came home and said, "OK, God, I've got an hour. Can You help a girl out here?" So I've put away folded clothes, written all this, eaten Girl Scout cookies... and I have a few more minutes. You gotta have faith.

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday...

2012-01-22T19:38:00.003-06:00

I think I've used this song title before, but so what?

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our Bonnie. She was 13 and in kidney failure, and even if we'd treated her and held on to her a little longer, we would've just had to watch that painful slope downward. It was hard to let her go, but we decided that it was better to go on and do it than to keep dragging it out... for her and for us. It hasn't been easy though. I cried. A LOT. I could cry now, if I let myself, but late night cries are not good for my sinuses and I've got to be on top of things tomorrow. I just have to remind myself that even if we'd brought her home, she would never be her old healthy self again. Three years ago I was pretty sure it would be our last Christmas with her, so I have felt like we were blessed to have her as long as we did.

I am still having terrible problems with my feet. If I have to stand or walk a lot, I may not hurt then, but I pay for it later. That's the worst. I don't like knowing that if I go shopping, I'll have to hurt later (if not sooner). And I'm not talking about a mall marathon, I'm talking about going to the grocery. In all honesty, I'm thinking it's time for me to get a desk job (and no, teaching is NOT a desk job... at least not at my school) but that scares me too. Will I weigh 500 pounds if I don't have to stand up a lot? I read about three medicines, over the counter supplements, that I started yesterday (only after I looked them up for interactions with my current meds). I hope they'll work...

I do entirely too much complaining, so let me tell a happy story. Today we celebrated my mom's birthday. She is 63 and this means she has lived longer than her mom and both her grandmothers did. I used to say I was going to party like nobody's business when I made it to number 63, but now, it'll be no big deal because Mom has been there first. AND THAT IS ALL RIGHT. Now, if you are one of my Facebook friends don't pass that around... I have many more FB friends than I do blog followers so I figure I'm safe to tell her age here, LOL!!!

You make me feel brand new...

2012-01-18T21:05:00.003-06:00

My brand new computer, that is... it's really nice.

Another semester has begun and I'm already tired, and wondering if I'll survive, but it's actually been OK so far. I bring home work to grade every day and I don't get it done. I still look for the elusive money-making job, but I've decided (after spending a bunch of money) that I'm not going to try nursing school or even being a CNA. It's not for me. My neuropathy is acting up so much. Between controlling my blood sugar and using a TENS unit, I'm doing a lot better, though. The TENS unit really works!

I'm not staying up to grade tonight, either. I had good intentions, but between trying to get my new computer and my old one to communicate (not an easy feat, considering that the old one's screen isn't working anymore and had to be hooked up, flipped around, rebooted and re-battery'ed, for lack of a better word) and re-ordering a book for an online class, I have shot the evening. BUT...I got the files transferred.

School's out for...two weeks!

2011-12-17T11:46:00.003-06:00

Today I've been a sleepyhead. I think I deserve to be. I've been in school and teaching school and sleep has been a luxury. I HAVE done some work around here & in a few I'll do a little more. I need to do some serious writing today, a little bit of record keeping, and a little research for my at-home job...in addition to a little more cleaning and laundry.

My wonderful rock star is on a grocery run. D is watching "Lost" & Rach is still asleep. I have really appreciated the rock star this week.

Sometimes it takes a drastic thing to make me appreciate what's unique about him. Last weekend the brother of a high school friend died. I remember him but didn't really know him. I went to the funeral home. He was president of his motorcycle club. For those who aren't into the biker culture, this means he was into that lifestyle. The funeral home parking lot was filled with bikes and leather, long grey beards and smoke. The pallbearers had names like Dirt and Birddog. To be quite honest, I was impressed with the organization and the care they took to do everything just right. Bikers seem to like Randy's bands. I have always appreciated that. Maybe there is a part of me that envies that lifestyle. At any rate, I've appreciated more about Randy and his quirks this week

I had decided that my new year's resolution would be to be more creative. I need to lose weight, work out, and be healthier...and maybe I will...but I have so many ideas and so many things I want to learn to do, and I do so little of them. So I'm going to do those things in 2012. I'm going to write more, paint and draw more, maybe write some songs, maybe be more creative in the kitchen. I'm looking forward to this coming year.

Gotta keep those a-lovin' good vibrations a-happenin' with you

2011-12-08T21:06:00.003-06:00

"I, I love the colorful clothes she wears..."

I love to wear colorful clothes, but mostly, I wear black these days, because I don't have much time for, or interest in, shopping. I've been in one of my funky moods where I spend all my non-working hours online looking for a second (or third, or fourth, or whatever) job. I WAS spending a lot of time playing Spider Solitaire, so I consider this an improvement.

Don't worry about me though, I'm really not depressed. I laugh a lot and I am happy with all the relationships in my life. I'm looking forward to Christmas. I feel a lot of good vibrations!!! I just have too much going on. Like...

Teaching: I've got a lot more grading to do, and I've had a busy week. Next week we have exams and then...2.5 weeks off!!! This semester has flown by, and I can't believe it's almost over. I have 4 observations next semester :\ Not sure how I feel about that. If I can get through them, I'll be ready to get my license advanced. On the other hand, sometimes I think I'd go back to nuc med...if anyone had an opening...if anyone would even consider me if they did.

Other jobs: Nuc med's not hiring. CNA jobs are out there, but I haven't even gotten to a real interview. Don't know if it's the fact that I have another job, or because I have more education, or because nobody wants someone who's had five jobs in five years. (Actually, this time last year I'd had six jobs in 5 years, but I've been at this one for a year and a half.) I'm working as a test proctor this Saturday, and I got a part-time online position today that I need to finish training to do. Writing is possibly another income stream...see below...

Preaching: I have to speak Sunday! Am I ready? No. Am I close? Well, if having an idea counts, then yeah.

Studying: I'm in the last week of online classes this semester. Sigh. I only have one big assignment left and uploading a few small ones onto my portfolio. Haven't decided if I'm going to take classes next semester, or wait awhile...I don't know. A lot going on, you know???

Writing: This is actually a pretty exciting time in my writing life. I'm the Nashville Southern Culture Examiner for examiner.com. Read all about it! I also have other writing ideas. I'm thinking I'll update my websites during Christmas break. I get a lot of interest in the site, but I really don't update it much. If I'm not in class, though, I might have time for updating ads and content.

Home: Rachel comes home next week...Derek's in school until the 22nd (I think)...after Christmas it's Randy's busy season. The house is a mess, though maybe better than usual. Still don't have the tree up, still haven't figured out how much more shopping I need to do.

Singing: Nothing much to tell here. I sang at church and then the Messiah on Sunday. Though I loved it, I'm glad to have a break. I'll probably sing at the Christian Care Center at some point during the Christmas break. We'll see.

Well, I'm going to bed now. Maybe I'll get enough sleep to get up on time!!!

How could I be without your love

2011-10-26T20:08:00.004-05:00

I really wasn't writing with the intention of waxing poetic about my husband. I couldn't think of a "how to" song that I wanted to post. I like this one, though. It's pretty.

I have spent my evening searching "How To" articles online for help with a class assignment. The hardest part so far has been figuring out what I want to learn. I’m not saying I know how to do everything, because I don’t (as you’ll learn by reading this), but sometimes I feel like I know how to do too many things. I have craft supplies I don’t have time to use, holiday decorations I don’t have time to put out, and websites I don’t have time to maintain. I don’t always have time to go to the grocery store, much less cook. The things I’d like to learn how to do are too complex to learn in a Web tutorial. There are the intangibles, like “How to get a job in a stagnant field from which you were laid off,” or“How to find time to keep your house looking ~~immaculate~~ ~~clean~~ decent while you work full-time, take two graduate courses, raise a teenager, have three indoor pets, support a college student, stay married, and go to church.” Then, there’s the way too involved for the Web stuff, like “How to become a massage therapist,” or “How to make some extra money (for supporting that college student).” I’d like to solve problems. How about, “How to cure cancer,” or “How to stop domestic violence”?

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking I need to find “How to Get a Positive Attitude!”

Seriously…maybe there’s a story there.

I went to Google. I typed in “how to” and then started with a, went to b, c, d, etc. all the way through the alphabet. Did you know you can learn to roll a joint on the Internet? I don’t need to know how to do that. After going through the alphabet I thought I’d start over and type ab, ac, ad, and so forth. You can learn how to abort a baby on the Internet. I would say, “Well, I never!” but unfortunately, I am NOT surprised at that. I didn’t know how valuable some of my knowledge was…such as “How to elope” (been there, done that), “how to flirt” (how do you think I learned how to elope?), “how to give a hickey” (not going there) and “how to do an EKG” (well, I did know that was valuable). Still, I kept going.

I got to “ezine” and almost stopped there, but the thought of adding another responsibility to my list seemed too daunting.

How to hook up a laptop to your TV…hmm…

How to make a QR code…that could be good.

How to build apps for smartphones…NOW WE ARE TALKING.

How to organize your home…maybe this is what I need, really.

It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.

2011-07-17T21:24:00.004-05:00

First let me say that I'm not referring to my marriage. Right now, that's fine. No complaints.

I picked this song for the title because today I've been bothered a bit by the mistakes I made in the past. While typing that sentence I wondered how many mistakes I've blogged about. I thought I'd read the entries from the month that had the most, July 2007...but I couldn't read them all because I remembered where they led, where I went the next few months. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I got the job I had wanted, the job that ended 18 months later. I had two grandparents living then...I don't have either one now. But that wasn't my fault and neither was the loss of my job. Still, even now I wonder how different my life would be if I'd stayed at Skyline instead of going to Clarksville Cardiology and then Vandy and then Dr. Mishra's and then Glencliff and then Springfield. I don't regret moving from Madisonville, or leaving the VA or leaving Northcrest. I would go back to any of them if offered the right job, but I don't regret any moves before leaving Skyline.

I don't know that regret is the right word for how I feel about the other moves. I had my reasons for leaving all of them. I thought Vandy would give me a more secure future and help get my kids through college. I thought I could make peace with my situation working for Dr. Mishra, but it was everything I didn't like about working in nuclear cardiology. I left the Cliff because I wanted to teach closer to home. I don't regret going to Springfield, and I'm not sure I regret going into teaching, but, I miss working in health care. And, I miss the money I used to make.

Nuclear medicine technology is an oft-misunderstood profession, as I've learned over the years, even since I left the field, as I wrote last night. All those years, I felt like it sounded impressive but it wasn't. Now, I think, that DID sound impressive, and in some ways it was, and all the while, I didn't like it.

I feel like I haven't done much with my life. I've raised two great kids, and for that I'm very happy and thankful. Otherwise, I've spent too much time eating, playing on the computer, driving too much, writing about nonsense, and learning about trivia. I haven't written anything great or accomplished great things either for God or my family. I live from paycheck to paycheck and sometimes fall in the gap in between.

I haven't even made the most of this summer. I haven't cleaned the house as well as I should've, gotten in shape, or done enough fun stuff. Heck, I haven't even worked hard enough, because I haven't planned at all for this coming semester. And, it's coming fast. Not only that, but I've bitten off more than I can chew. But, I've done that for a reason. I have to do what I have to do.

Right now, I need to do laundry. So, I'll write more later.

We shall overcome, some day.

2011-07-16T19:03:00.004-05:00

Is today an anniversary of some event in the Civil Rights Movement? I'm asking because I just got through watching "Mississippi Burning," and now "Ghosts of Mississippi" is on. I'd never seen the first movie before today, but I'd heard of it. The latter's one of my favorites. (I just love Alec Baldwin with a Southern accent. It drips like honey from his mouth.) I know it's not MLK's birthday, or anniversary of his assassination. Emmett Till's birthday is next week, and Medgar Evers' was week before last. Actually, if you Google "July in Civil Rights History," you'll see that several events took place in July.

I'm home alone tonight. Randy's got a "gig," Rachel's working at school, & Derek's spending the night with a friend. If I think about it, I get kind of sad thinking that my babies are grown up, but I'm really too busy to be lonely. I've been to see friends today anyway so I don't feel lonely. I got my hair cut really short today. I wanted to go back to the natural color, and besides, it was hot. There's plenty to do: laundry, coursework for my Desktop Publishing class, dishes, balancing the checkbook, recording stuff on the DVR for my collection, lesson planning, studying the CNA book, and reading the Bible!!! I'm starting CNA classes on Monday.

All summer, I looked for a part-time job I could do in the summers and perhaps on weekends during the school year too. Well, nobody wanted a Certified Nuclear Medicine Technologist who could only work PRN in the summer. So, I applied for care partner positions, and other medical jobs that I'm probably over-qualified to do. Nobody thought a CNMT could do anything except punch buttons and I can imagine them asking, don't they handle radiation? Why doesn't she find a job in oncology or something? Uh, because first, I'm not qualified to do radiation oncology and second, there are 35 jobs - nationwide - if you type in "nuclear medicine technologist" on CareerBuilder, and 20 of them are for medical technologists or nuclear pharmacists or other jobs I am not qualified to do. The other 15 are all over the country, the closest being in Atlanta, 4 hours away. If I wanted to go full time, the closest position is in Florida, 8 or more hours away.

Most of the care partner jobs, as well as home health aide jobs, require a Nursing Assistant certification (CNA). You can't challenge the board on that. You have to go to 100 hours of schooling. Some long-term care facilities (nursing homes, assisted living facilities, etc.) will pay for you to do it, but most want applicants who already have their CNA. So, I decided to go on and do it. The first six weeks of school will be crazy...I'll finish one graduate-level class, start two more, finish the CNA class all while teaching! I'm sort of excited but also sort of scared! I believe I can do it, though.

Well, on that note, I guess I'd better get to work.

The long and winding road

2011-07-08T20:46:00.004-05:00

that leads to McMinnville...that's where Randy and I went today. We had a blast. I really enjoyed hanging out with him today and I think he enjoyed being with me too. He played a bunch of Elvis on his iPod. We went to get airbags for Rachel's CRV. We ate at a little place called Wilma Jean's Kitchen. YUM. It was awesome! Fried fish, potato bites, and some of the best white beans ever. Oh, yes, and cornbread. We topped that off with pie. I had chess pie like my granny used to make and Randy had chocolate cream pie. We shared our desserts, but I preferred the chess.

I know, I don't need all that fattening, sweet stuff, but I sure enjoyed it. Generally when we eat like that we don't do supper, maybe sandwiches or something. I haven't even been hungry and it's 9 pm.

After all that driving, though, it was good to get home. Took us about all day!!!

I said, watch what you say, now we're calling you a radical, a liberal, oh, fanatical, criminal

2011-07-07T21:01:00.003-05:00

I picked this song because of the word "Radical." I couldn't think of another song that used that word, and I'll get to why I used it. When I looked up the lyrics and hummed through it, memories came flooding over me. Today's been a day full of memories, because I saw a photo - well, 3 actually - of the first boy I ever kissed (my first real, grown-up kiss anyway...and he's sure changed) and also because I have been watching "The Waltons" all summer. Back in 2008, I watched it all the way from the first season to the end, & at the beginning, I thought, I wonder what I saw in Jim-Bob! Then when they got to the later seasons, I remembered when I was 11, 12 years old and I had a thing for tall, skinny, buck-toothed boys.

It's funny how in the end, they all seem to look alike...

But that's not why I picked this song for today's lyric.

I picked the lyric with the word "Radical" because I read the David Platt book by the same name. I REALLY liked it, but now, on day two of the Radical Experiment, I am beginning to come down off the mountain. Blame it on my online class, for taking up so much of my focus today!

Check out the site...www.radicalthebook.com is the book's site, and from there you can get to the experiment link.

I agree with the fact that so often today's churches are focused on the wrong things, like building huge buildings instead of sending missionaries to poor countries. One critic said "Poverty isn't the biggest problem" (Platt doesn't say that it is, either) and goes on to sing the praises of capitalism. I have nothing against capitalism. Done right, it can be a good thing. On the other hand, I don't think all poor people are there by choice, or by bad decisions. I've been the primary breadwinner and lost my high-paying job. I'm one of the lucky ones. I could do something else, even if it did only pay half what my old job paid. Many others can't make more than minimum wage, which won't pay the bills. There are plenty of better paying jobs which require more training or different experience.

Oh, and by the way, if you were not Christian, and starving because your country is in a civil war and a famine, would you accept Jesus just because someone told you you would burn in Hell if you didn't? Of course not. However, you might be persuaded if a Christian gave you food and water first and then told you about a Savior who loves you more than they do. Poverty isn't the big issue, but if you don't show love and help meet needs, your message is going to blow in the wind with all that dust.

I could go on and on about this. I won't, not tonight anyway. Look for the book. See what you think.

Love ya. Mean it.

I'm walking on sunshine!

2011-05-03T19:50:00.004-05:00

Ever since I decided to ease up on myself ten or twelve days ago, life has been amazing.

Physically, the water experiment seems to be going well. I did not get all my water in today. I will do better tomorrow. I feel better, my skin is better, and I worked out today. I don't have to be skinny, but I'd like to be strong and active. Regular exercise helps me control my sugars, even if I don't change my diet. I'm planning to do more this summer, but I didn't want to wait that long to get started.

Mentally, things are all right. School is getting to those final days when nobody - including me - wants to do anything! Fortunately, I have some interesting topics going on so they're having a good time and doing something too. I'm getting ready to go back to school this summer. I've decided to get a master's in instructional technology. I feel like it's a good way to incorporate my website and computer expertise with education, and to broaden my horizons as well. I think the classes sound very interesting. I am also working on a trial article for an online publication. More on that later, I hope! There are also interesting things going on in Randy's work. They have announced that they're going to a larger building in Clarksville. There will certainly be some changes but not all the details are available yet.

Spiritually, I could be doing better. I feel that God is with me, working on me, and helping me in all ways. He's been good to me, but I really haven't been as good to Him as I should be. I've been thanking Him...but I could do better. Well, I will do better on that too.

The kids are doing great and Randy's doing all right too. Rachel will be coming home this week!

Now I am getting sleepy and I know I need to get in the kitchen & wash dishes. Just wanted to jot down the good stuff going on right now.

She's so heavy

2011-04-28T17:13:00.003-05:00

That would be me.

This is a long one so bear with.

I think I have been in denial for the past few years. Suddenly I see photos that made me think, "I'm not that big," and I think, yeah, I am.

Now, don't feel sorry for me, please. I don't.

I've spent a lot of years hating my body. When I was about 9, I heard that I was fat. Mom told me I'd "run it off" in the summer. That was when the troubles began. I would starve myself one day, and overeat the next. Mom told me that I needed to just relax, just eat a little less and not go crazy, so I stopped dieting for awhile.

The next fall, a group of boys laughed at me as I rounded the corner into the restroom. I don't remember crying then - I guess I waited until I got home - but I do remember crying about it.

Did Mom tell me that the boys were silly & just looking for someone to pick on? Or did I figure that out on my own? I don't remember for sure. I can't say I intentionally blocked it from my memory. I was just in the 4th grade. It was a long time ago.

I grew taller, and skinnier for awhile. Over the next few years, I'd gain a little, then lose a little. In photos I looked great. Unfortunately, I was totally body dysmorphic. I thought I was obese in 7th grade because my classmates weighed in the 90's. I weighed 117. I'd be skin and bones if I weighed that now. At the end of 7th grade I gained 13 pounds and actually had a bustline for a change. But suddenly even my family was in on the fat comments. I really don't want to go there online, but I felt terrible pressure to be thin.

In high school, I went to church with the popular girls, and everybody made over their tiny little figures, and all I heard was that they weighed 90 or 93 or one of them cried because she gained a pound...oh, I felt horrible, fluctuating between 123 and 133. Dieting seemed too complicated, and like a ton of work. Back then, there weren't that many opportunities to work out except sports, which I was too uncoordinated to do. I liked biking and I was in marching band, and I liked shooting the basketball a bit. Once I did Weight Watchers religiously for a week and lost a half-pound. It seemed like way too much effort to be so unnoticeable.

One of the popular girls, let's call her Jamie, said she just naturally didn't feel like eating every day and that's what kept her small. So I thought, well, there you go. I'll just skip eating sometimes. What I didn't realize was that I was starting a cycle that would totally ruin my metabolism. I'd starve myself as long as I could stand it, then eat everything in sight.

I've talked about my blood sugar issues in this blog and they sort of started then. I hated myself for not being strong enough to fight my weight. I hated myself for not having the willpower to stick with a diet, or to keep myself starving even though I was shaking like a leaf from hypoglycemia. I hated my body for having hypoglycemia (I was insulin resistant for a long, long time) and not letting me starve it into submission.

Occasionally I'd get really busy or active for awhile and lose some weight, but it never stayed off, so I felt like a failure again, and in my depression, pack on a few more pounds. I had some successful times, followed by failures, over and over. I've lost and gained the same 30 pounds - or parts of it - at least 5 times in the last 14 years. Now I'm pretty close to "maximum density" again.

This time there's a difference.

This time Randy has convinced me that I look beautiful to him. Beautiful, just as I am, not 50 pounds ago or "still beautiful despite the weight gain." He treats me like a queen, like he really means it. It has made all the difference in the world. This time, it's all right.

Never mind a few months ago, when I was complaining about gaining weight in my stomach, Mom said I needed willpower. I countered that it took all the willpower I had to keep going when I was taking two graduate courses while teaching at a new school - one with a bad reputation. I was proud of myself for that one. She managed to keep her weight down with willpower for a long time. Now she's sick & can't keep weight on, but fails to realize that we're not all that way. (I won't say that lucky, because she has definitely not been lucky in the health area.) The neuropathy medicine makes you gain; the treatment for a recent injury makes you gain. When I told her about one med, she said, "Are you sure you want to take that?" I'm thinking, "Uh, yeah, if it comes between gaining weight and my injury getting infected and rotting off, yeah, I'll take a little weight gain." THAT weight came off, but what was left was totally redistributed, rendering some clothes too tight.

I have long thought beauty came in all sizes. For whatever reason, though (probably at least one of those I've talked about today), I thought I needed to be super skinny, like in the double-digit weights. I could "settle" for being on the top side of my BMI, which would still be 60 plus pounds less than I weigh today. Fantasizing about how wonderful life would be if I lost 50 - or 75 - or 100 - or 120 - pounds didn't get me there.

Life is pretty wonderful now.

So am I, even with a big behind and busting out of my old shirts.

We were young and strong, we were running against the wind.

2011-04-11T21:32:00.004-05:00

This evening I've been writing my sermon. Yes, you read that right. I am taking a Lay Speaking Course, and Saturday, I have to give a sermon to a jury of my peers, I mean, my class of beginning lay speakers. I am not planning to become a pastor. I do not think God's calling me to do that. Maybe to fill in a pulpit here & there, but no, the shepherding instinct is just not there. God's been working on me for a long time. I've felt the call for about 30 years now, but sometimes I ran from it. Sometimes I was just too busy serving myself. Sometimes I didn't trust God to do what I thought was right. At times I wondered if God was even concerned with me at all. Still, He was always taking care of me, always had a plan for me. Right about the time I first felt the call, my pastor at the time, the late Mike Nelson, started a sermon one Sunday with the song, "Against the Wind." He told us we needed to stop running against the wind and let God have us. I thought I was doing that, but I kept trying to take back the control of my future. I had no idea what I was in for!

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

2011-04-04T09:32:00.002-05:00

I could've sworn I used this title before, but I couldn't find it. I could've spent the whole day reading old blog posts. I enjoyed revisiting 2006, when my kids were 11 and 14, Rachel, a freshman in high school. Life's changed a lot since then! Now she's a freshman at Lipscomb. She came home yesterday and we were glad to see her. Driving's going all right for Derek. I wish he'd get a job. I am home today because an old injury has reared its ugly head again. I don't want to go into detail, but it's been a physically miserable last few days. I attended the Lay Speaking Course on Saturday & though I couldn't get comfortable physically, it was very uplifting and thought-provoking. Now, I have to write a sermon before the next one. Just add that to the list...laundry, housecleaning, lesson plans, dishes, supper, exercise, money management...and all that when the pain's under control! Well, on that note I guess I'll get up and get moving. We're supposed to have storms today. Stay dry!

But time makes you bolder, children get older, I'm getting older too

2011-03-15T11:36:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged lately, because although I've been busy, I haven't had anything profound to say. Now that Spring Break has arrived, here are some updates on the family.

The boy is now 16 and has his driver's license. I thought I was going to lose my mind...just knew he'd get himself or someone else killed the first time he pulled the Grand Prix out of the driveway...but a month of driving has been pretty uneventful. Unlike when his sister started driving, jobs for teens aren't aplenty around here, but we think he might get a decent summer job (if gas prices don't crash the economy again). They're about to crash OUR economy here in the CCRS household.

The girl is loving Lipscomb and social club (read: sorority) life. She has a date for the formal next month, and they seem to be enjoying one another's company. She, too, is on Spring Break, but right now she's sleeping in her room, and he's on a mission trip with one of our cousins. She's planning to go on a mission trip in June.

The CCRS (man of the house) is doing all right. It's his busy time of the year, so he's NOT on Spring Break with the rest of us. He's getting quite a lot of playing time these days, which is probably good because it helps him blow off steam, but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't just make his stress level increase because it's quite time consuming and really messes with his sleep schedule. Of course I know nothing so I don't bring this up.

I'm doing much better. Though the neuropathy is bugging me at the moment, overall it bothers me a lot less lately than it has in the last few months. I'm taking new meds & they've been a real answer to prayer. School's been going all right, though I'm struggling with feeling like I am boring & don't make exciting, engaging, thought-provoking lessons. As I type this, I feel a little stressed just thinking about it. I may be a tiny bit better at showing my backbone these days, but I have a ways to go. I struggle with what God wants from me. I want to do what God wants me to do, but sometimes, I wonder just what that is. I'm taking the Lay Speaker Course next month. I don't see myself becoming a pastor (PLEASE don't get me started on that) but someone suggested I take it since I DO sing in other churches and it might help with giving testimony and things like that. I think I get plenty of public speaking experience.

We've unfortunately filled this week with medical appointments; today D & I go to the optometrist, Thursday he goes to the orthodontist, and Friday I go to the doctor for a follow-up on all the lovely health conditions that seem to enjoy hanging out in my body. That's all right. I'd rather go on vacation when I have a week to clean house prior and a week to relax afterward - I guess I was meant to be a teacher after all. Yesterday I sang at the nursing home again. I always love that.

Lazy day...

2011-02-11T17:12:00.002-06:00

Today was snow day 13 - I think??? I may be wrong about that, but I know that we have three days to make up. We'll probably work on Presidents' Day, or maybe on Memorial Day, or lose part of spring break. I'm resting up today, because I expect tomorrow to be busy, and Sunday probably will too.

What's on my mind today is not the most popular opinion. Feminist followers won't like it, but then, my blog is named for my role as somebody's wife. Today I did some cleaning and realized, I have been a poor homemaker. I don't do much to make this house a home. For years, while I worked in a career that was high-paying, but not really fulfilling for me personally, I spent way too much time online looking for what I thought would be my true calling. I wanted a job where I could spend more time with my children, but ironically, I spent less time with them. Oh, we had a lot of good times together, but I regret those wasted days I can't get back. I tried mystery shopping, selling Avon, transcribing historical records, selling antiques, making candles, studying reflexology and herbology, even baking. I did have a desire to learn things about my great-grandmother and those generations who came before...good mothers.

Well, I am not going to spend any more time writing today. I'm getting up to work on my portion of dinner. The rock star is grilling tonight, but he's not home yet.

I don't want to go through the motions...

2011-01-13T18:46:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago I wrote about hearing this song. It's called "The Motions" by Matthew West. I really need to purchase this song and listen to it every day of my life. It's a contemporary Christian song.

I don’t wanna go through the motions,
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

Tomorrow is January 14. Last January 14, a girl I knew in high school died of breast cancer. I had not seen her in years but had taken care of several of her family members and her sister is my friend on Facebook. Then on January 15, I learned that my childhood heartthrob had died that same night. (I wrote a long post about that, here.) It was one of the saddest weekends of my life. I can't believe it's been a year. I think about it every day. I'll never forget it.

I have been out of school for a week, and while I have enjoyed it, I just dread going back more after time off. I've copied 16 episodes of Hee Haw onto DVD this week, and that's enough. I wish Jim Ed Brown and the Opry cruisers would leave for the Caribbean already. I bet that commercial was on 100 times in 16 hours. Gee whiz.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

2011-01-09T20:15:00.002-06:00

So tonight I am enjoying the last few hours of my weekend. I guess I ought to be doing some work but since I have the lesson plans made and the dishes washed, I'm just hanging out. I need to be getting ready for bed. The weather forecasters are, as Granddaddy used to say, "hollerin' snow." I am not getting my hopes up because not much is more disheartening than planning for an extra day off and waking up to see the car uncovered, as it is now. The ground is actually covered with snow, from yesterday. I want to wake up and see more snow on the car than in the yard...and most importantly, more on the road than in the yard also.

I know, for those of you who still have to work tomorrow, that is mighty selfish of me but if you knew...well, if you were in my shoes you'd want snow too. Besides, I've had to drive down "the Ridge" when it was a solid sheet of ice, in the middle of the night when most of you were sleeping, and had to spend the night in a motel on Dickerson Road because there was 7 inches of the stuff and I was on call...that night was not one of my fondest memories. But the motel was not that bad, it was one by the interstate.

My voice isn't quite "100" as they say (I would put it at about 70 on Wednesday morning, 60 on Thursday morning, and 40 on Friday afternoon). But, since I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER TODAY than I have in a month or more, I will be all right if I HAVE to go tomorrow.

Nashville Cats

2011-01-02T16:43:00.002-06:00

I guess more accurately, I could name this post "Cheatham County Cats." One such animal is purring on the couch arm just above my head. Have I told you lately how I love my laptop?

I have only one New Year's resolution for 2011, and that is, I am going to do more writing. Specifically, I am going to do more writing for my own pleasure and hopefully, for the glory of God and the pleasure of others as well. I may do more singing too but my resolution is about writing. Truthfully, I would like to get my master's in creative writing but I am not sure that would be the best option. After last semester I am definitely taking a break from my graduate work and thinking really hard before leaping back in. If the Master's in Career Technical Education program is not ready for applicants in the summer, I'll be waiting another year, and this is OK. I am not in that big of a hurry, really. I may, possibly, have to take other classes during the school year if they are only offered then. I hope not, though.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!!

2010-12-24T20:07:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas to everybody!

when am i going to learn

2010-12-23T14:24:00.001-06:00

to bring headphones on car trips

My soul's like a wheel that's turning.

2010-12-22T21:15:00.003-06:00

So in all of this, I have had some interesting insights.

A day or two ago, I read a little in one of Shonda Parker's books, about how we have the ability to be content in our sufferings, as Paul was in Philippians. I guess I had never thought much about it...being content in all circumstances, because we can do everything through Christ, who strengthens us. In the past, I had found that verse about doing everything to be overwhelming, like an excuse to load me up with things to do. This time the part about contentment stuck out for me. God just wants me to be CONTENT where I am.

A few weeks ago I made some peace with the fact that I got laid off way back when. I got to thinking that some of the bad events of 2009 and 2010 would've still happened even if I had been at Vandy. Granddaddy's death had nothing to do with where I worked. Tracey's didn't either. I probably would've kept working out, but I might have even been worse off if I'd been working at Vandy when I hurt my foot, and that was part of how I put on weight. I could very well have done that at Rachel's graduation or some other event. So, I can't blame all this on Vandy, even if I miss the money a whole lot. This makes me feel a bit more content teaching. Of course, having two weeks off is nice too.

When I felt that God wanted me to be a teacher, I had been thinking maybe He was calling me to some form of ministry. I could maybe see myself being a lay speaker but never a church pastor. I don't like confrontation that much. I think singing is my ministry and teaching is a way I can have a little time during summers & winter breaks to do it.

My heart is on fire, part two.

2010-12-22T19:44:00.008-06:00

Continuing that last post...

For two years, the neuropathy has been off and on. Sometimes it has been pretty easy to ignore, but for the last six weeks or so it has been nearly unbearable at times, not all day every day, but nearly every day for at least three hours. I used to do the elliptical for thirty minutes at a time but I haven't been able to do that in awhile. Yesterday I probably could have, but my stomach was upset, so I didn't get to finish. This, on top of my plantar fasciitis (which isn't nearly as bad as it was in the summer), has made any activity where I have to stand for more than 10 minutes a real challenge. Shopping gets the best of me after about 20 minutes; the standing in line is usually miserable. Socks and shoes aggravate the neuropathy, and being barefoot aggravates the fasciitis.

So now I stumble around, sometimes fall, and have to sit a lot more than I would like.

On top of this, I have learned that in the last four years, I have gone from having one mildly leaky valve in my heart to four in various stages of leaking. Mostly the leaks are mild, with one that has graduated to moderate. Whoopee! In addition to this, it beats too fast and, though it didn't happen when I wore the monitor, it throws out extra beats here and there.

Yes, I DO feel like I am falling apart.

I don't share a lot of this very often because I figure everybody has their share of troubles. Compared to some people, my troubles aren't very bad. Compared to others, I seem like a train wreck. For a long time I didn't share this because I wanted to do what I want without other people telling me I can't. Mainly, that meant I wanted to eat whatever I wanted without people making judgment. However, the last four months have been enough to change my mind. This past semester I gave in and told them when I kept coming in irritable or groggy and getting sick to my stomach, wearing funny shoes and stumbling around like a drunk sometimes.

I'm telling it now, because I am tired of bearing this alone.

Yesterday after my doctor's visit I felt like I had everything wrong with me. I don't, though. I don't have cancer, and I'm thankful for that, because I have seen cancer, and it is definitely no fun. But I admire cancer survivors. I would like to be a survivor.

Heart disease is the number one killer of women. Now I have a vested interest. I am going to be a survivor.

My heart is on fire.

2010-12-22T18:33:00.005-06:00

Well, my heart isn't really on fire. My soul may be like a wheel that's turning, but I'll talk about that later. My feet are on fire. They feel like I've been walking around in the snow, which we don't have this week, yet (but we might by Christmas).

I don't talk about this a lot, but I have some health issues, and lately, they have been worse than ever.

First of all, I am a type 2 diabetic.

I was insulin resistant at a very young age - the earliest incidence of it I remember was when I was in 7th grade. I did not understand a lot about that problem and neither did anyone else I knew. I knew that I wasn't SUPPOSED to eat a lot of sugar, but at that time, I thought I just shouldn't be eating at all, which, of course, does not work if you are insulin resistant. So I would try not to eat and then when I got really hungry, I would eat everything in sight. In time, I got over the trying not to eat part. I tried other things. I thought if I ate really big meals that I wouldn't get hungry as quickly. Instead, I got hungry at the same times I always did, but I ate more at meals, so I got bigger and bigger. I dieted from time to time, which helped. I tried the Weigh Down method of only eating when I was hungry, which did help me not to gain weight and I actually lost a little, but I screwed up my blood sugar doing that too. That method says you can eat anything when you are hungry, and not when you are full. So I would eat something high in carbs, have a drop in blood sugar, eat more carbs, sugar low, you get the picture. I would lose 20 pounds, then gain 20 pounds.

Then, at age 37, I went to three different doctors for three different conditions and every one of them said, "Are you diabetic?" I said no, I'd never been told that. After my 38th birthday I went for my annual blood draw at the doctor, I got the news. I had rounded the corner. I got on medication. I didn't crave as many sweets, but I didn't cut them out completely. I started exercising and lost weight and my sugars went down. I got laid off and got a job I hated and gained weight. I got a new job where I sweated a lot and worked 80 hours a week and I lost weight. I got depressed and hurt my foot and I gained it back. Then I got another job and took two graduate courses and I didn't have a free minute to work out. It is just a wonder I am weighing the same as I did in the summer.

For three months I have had higher sugars and now, my provider has upped my dose. Thank God, no insulin yet. I'm trying to avoid that.

Two Thanksgivings ago I got neuropathy. Yay! There's something to be thankful for, NOT!

I will post more on this in my next post which will be tonight! Later.

Isn't it time????

2010-12-17T09:59:00.004-06:00

I just can't find the answers to the questions that keep running through my mind...ba-bay!!!

I don't know why I picked this song. Well, yes I do. I was just reading my blog entries from February because I felt a little tiny itty bitty bit sentimental today, and this song reminds me of being 12 or 13 or so, and...well, I'm not feeling THAT sentimental today, you can read the February entries yourself if you want to know more about that.

Today would be my grandmother's 81st birthday. She died at 62, when Rachel was 12 weeks old. Rachel has missed out on getting to know that great-grandmother; fortunately, she and Derek had two more AND a great-grandfather to know and love.

A year ago today we were putting Granddaddy in hospice. I remember this because Randy's office Christmas dinner was the next night, and this year's party is scheduled for tonight. I am surprised at how much I have blocked from last Christmas. The kids asked me something about last Christmas and I said, "I don't know. I really don't remember." I pretty much operated on auto-pilot from Dec. 17 through January 15, and then something (in the February posts) triggered a response of depression. It's taken me about 11 months to work through that. I don't think I will remember 2010 as a happy year, though I can't say it's been the worst year ever. I have some happy memories of this year, and mostly memories of a lot of stress.

I was also thinking, isn't it time to have fun??? After all, classes are OVER for me until January 5!!! I do have to do some work, but I have time to do it l-e-i-s-u-r-e-l-y. So, now I am going to grade exams. Love ya. Merry Christmas.

Monday, Monday...so good to me

2010-12-06T15:38:00.002-06:00

monday, monday, it was all i hoped it would be...

i am posting from the droid again so the capitals and some of the punctuation is missing, sorry.

i am watching the simpsons with d. its the martha stewart christmas episode. funny.

i didnt do the christmas cards today but i have accomplished a lot. i took a personal day because i was asked to do a favor for a friend. she didnt need me after all, but i kept the day off. my classes ended this weekend and now i get to see what life is like when you dont have to take classes while you are teaching. i wish i had an exclamation point to show my gladness. i like classes in the summer. no more during the school year i hope./

takin' care of business

2010-11-26T12:57:00.004-06:00

so today i am at the y. i have no capital letters and little punctuation on this phone. as a writer, this bothers me.

thankful. really thankful.

saw a saying that really spoke to me the other day. it said, when there is no song in your heart, sing anyway. oh the times these past two years when i have had no song and did not feel like singing.

another moment...sitting at a red light listening to pandora radio and this song about going through the motions came on...i dont recall all the words but it said something about not wanting to look back on life and say what if i had given it all, instead of going through the motions.

no question marks either on this phone...

after my doctor visit wednesday i realized i miss health care somewhat. i dont feel i should quit teaching at this point for many reasons, not the least of which is the lack of nuc med jobs. i like some things about teaching anyway. i would like to pick up extra cash. i could teach some cpr classes. after talking to a student and getting dazzling remarks about my writing from a professor, i thought about trying to do some freelance medical writing. today i also feel i need to try to pick up some nursing home singing gigs.

i know that sounds like a lot. compared to the last two years, its a breeze.

hang on, help is on its way

2010-11-21T17:12:00.002-06:00

i cant type punctuation marks or capital letters on this phone. well, i can enter periods and commas. anyway, i am sharing this to say, if you are having a hard time dont give up. this time last week i was ready to turn in the towel. this week, things seem much better.

She's my sweet little thing, she's my pride & joy.

2010-11-04T19:09:00.002-05:00

This is my little girl. In answer to your question, YES, I am proud. (I know pride is a sin.)

http://www.luminationnetwork.com/2010/11/04/lipscomb-students-step-and-make-a-difference-w-video/

The freaks come out at night.

2010-10-30T17:36:00.003-05:00

I remember this song, but don't know anything except the chorus. I just called today's post that because it's Halloween weekend. I've heard a lot of mumbling about what day to celebrate Halloween. Saturday or Sunday? JMHO - How about Oct. 31??? Our church is having "Trunk or Treat" tomorrow night so if you're in the neighborhood, stop by. Well, bring kids of course.

This was a class weekend for me so I spent a couple of hours last night and most of today at TSU's Avon Williams Campus looking over the First Baptist Church of Capitol Hill. I like the view from that side of the building. I like the class, though; I don't spend too much time gazing at the world outside. At the end of the semester (and hopefully sooner) I will have completed my 15 hours toward my license. I had already taken adolescent development so I had that out of the way. I don't know exactly what the next step is in my education. I am interested in a program that the Board of Regents is rumored to be starting in either the spring or summer. I don't have all the details though, so I have no idea whether or not I'll be taking classes next semester. Part of me is ready for a break, and part of me is ready to charge onward. We shall see.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

2010-10-24T06:53:00.002-05:00

That used to be a commercial jingle. Remember? If you do, you must be at least 40 years old, like me (I'm AT LEAST 40...). It was a commercial for "Total" cereal, marketing toward those of us who want a new start, who feel like we've "blown it" if we have a few bites of something decadent.

I used it today because I like new chances and first days. I need new chances. Yesterday's post was harsh and negative. I am in a technology class this semester, and we share our blogs and I thought, I haven't posted in two weeks and I need to. Then I read it this morning and thought, nobody will want to follow me when they read that! After I thought about it though, I think all of the class will understand the overwhelming nature of the teaching profession. You will note that I didn't say it was the worst job ever - just one of the most demanding.

Where I was heading yesterday, before I ran out of time, was toward making choices in the face of events we don't choose. I'd like to share a couple of experiences from yesterday after I blogged.

First, I went to the Buddy Walk, a fundraiser for the Down Syndrome Association of Middle Tennessee. My friend Chris has a wonderful 2-year-old, Carson, who has DS. He is such a sweetheart! I waved at him, and he blew me a kiss. Chris and wife Laurie didn't choose to have a child with DS, but they have chosen a life of joy with Carson.

Later in the day, I went to the play "Spirit" with Mom & Rach. In the program, playwright David Alford wrote about his reasons for writing the play and said, "Because in every age people have been affected by events beyond their control. It is how we respond to these events - to the work of the Spirits - that defines who we are, and makes us truly human beings."

At the Buddy Walk, one team's shirts said, "Down Syndrome unites us; it does not define us." DS itself may not define them, but their choice of a life of joy defines them.

I think I have a choice to make!

C'mon, get happy!

2010-10-23T09:11:00.004-05:00

I keep telling myself that. I love the way people say we can choose the life we want to live. Well, I chose some of it but I didn't choose all of it! Most of us don't choose when we lose a loved one, or a job, or when a chronic illness descends upon us or a loved one. I've had all of those happen to me in the last few years. I sure as heck didn't choose them.

There was one thing I didn't choose, 20 months ago, that has been the turning point. I will admit there have been bad choices I have made in the shadow of that event. Before I made those choices, I was unhappy too. Still, there is no way to deny that the last 20 months have been the most difficult and demanding of my life...and though a couple of bad things would have happened regardless, the biggest part of what has made it difficult wouldn't have happened IF IT HAD BEEN UP TO ME.

But I am tired of being bitter. I am tired of having chest pain, crying every day, and feeling overwhelmed by the hand I've been dealt, which, at times, seems to be cruel and unusual punishment. Most of the time I do not think, I am mad at the world because I got laid off. Because, though that was the point in my life that changed everything, that's not why I am mad at the world. I am mad at the world because I worked hard and tried to do a good job where I was, only to lose my job and have to take a humiliating step back to a toxic job environment, which I tried to escape by going into teaching, which is the most overwhelming, physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing profession I know (though I'm sure it could be a lot worse). I don't have a cakewalk job. I put in twice as many hours for half the pay, and I'm tired, constantly, so tired. I don't have time to be writing this!

I have to go. More later.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

2010-10-06T22:27:00.002-05:00

Well, it's not really vacation time yet...but for the next two days I'm in Work-Based Learning training (joy! maybe? not sure) & then it's Fall Break! Yippee for real! We all need a break. I need a break from the students and I know they need a break from me. Sheesh! I am not the only teacher going to the training. I have instructed the other one that his job is to keep me awake. I'm pretty sure he thinks I am kidding, but I am totally serious. I am too old for this! So I should be heading to bed now.

Time for a cool change

2010-09-28T19:37:00.001-05:00

I just realized, I had not posted on my blog in so long, I didn't write about changing jobs! I teach in Springfield now...much closer to home.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

2010-09-28T19:31:00.001-05:00

No, I didn't buy a Harley. I can't see myself being that kind of biker chick. I've got nothing against biker folks - if you know me, you know I like all kinds of people, and hopefully they like me too. Anyway, I got my Christmas present early today.

Randy is notorious for asking for his Christmas present in September or so. Derek got part of his last week, an indoor exercise bike. When it's 100 degrees outside, that's really nice. We've got quite the exercise room in there. But with the beautiful weather we're having now, I wanted to get mine early for a change. In January, I'm probably not going to be using that bike much, but this is a great time of the year to ride.

I love my husband. He tried to think of my comfort and got me a short bike. I felt like my knees were up around my navel until I did some adjusting. I think the height is all right.

I have a big ol' butt, and I asked for a seat big enough for my rear (most of them make me feel like the seat is somewhere up around my tonsils), so he got me one. He got a new-fangled wide Schwinn seat that doesn't have a...I don't know, is it a saddle? You know, the part that sticks out in the front of a bike seat? Anyway, I felt like I was going to fall off that thing & break out all my teeth. Having broken a tooth, I don't really want to go through that.

So, we put the original seat back on, and it feels pretty good. I may get one of those nice Schwinn seats with a front. Either way, I think I will like the new bike. I liked it even more when I put it in the Honda. It fit! I may buy a bike rack too. Who knows? I might be starting a new thing.

It won't be too new though...I rode my bike a lot growing up. Some of my favorite memories were on that red bike, or they got started on that bike, anyway. Those were special times that I'll never forget.

Here's to my second childhood.

you can count on me...

2010-06-21T09:00:00.003-05:00

I am thinking about using my journal to write a book about my first year in the classroom. I tried to come up with song lyrics that summed up each month last school year. In August, the title would have been, "A Change is Gonna Come." In September I was still overwhelmed and in the honeymoon stage. I picked "Dancin' in the Moonlight" for that one. October brought the end of the honeymoon phase and "The Thrill is Gone." In November, "There's a New Kid in Town" reflected the changes when Sarah came. I picked "Like a Rock" for December, with my strong resolve when Granddaddy passed. January was another story, with "Hopelessly Devoted to You." ("If I Can't Have You" would've been good too.) February, I chose "Rollercoaster" to describe the emotional upheaval in my house, and in March, "With a Little Luck" seemed to sum up my optimism. In April, I chose this song..."Count on Me" by Jefferson Starship. It was a song that reminded me of those happy moments in 1978, and the words of the title seemed to echo my sentiment for Glencliff as the job possibilities at other places came and went. (But more on that later.) With the flood on May 1, picking a song for that month was easy - "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?"

As school ended, I thought I had made up my mind to stay at Glencliff. Then, I heard there would probably be a position at Sycamore. I applied. The next day the county posted on their website that they're looking for health science teachers but specifically put, "Must have RN license." In other words, "we got your resume, health science teacher without an RN license, but we want you and everyone else to know, we're only interested if you're a nurse, because one of these days we're going to offer the ONE course the state of TN requires to be taught by an RN. We haven't yet but we will." I wrote ugly things about this in my journal, but, que sera sera.

Well, that's all I have to say about that.

There were openings in Montgomery County, all gone now. One was taken by a teacher who left and went to Ft. Campbell. She tried to recruit me for Ft. Campbell and now she's going back to teaching. Ft. Campbell never called, by the way, and I wasn't all that fired up about going back to nucs so soon anyway. The money would be nice, though. One was taken by a teacher from Robertson County, which never posted that opening. I wonder if they were going to downsize anyway? There WAS an opening in Robertson County but it was as far from here as Glencliff is, and taking on two schools. I thought about it, but was kind of waiting for some other stuff to happen at the time, so I didn't apply. Had it been closer to home, I'd have been more interested.

So, at this point I think it's safe to say I'm going back to the Cliff next year, and I'm actually very happy about it. I have a new classroom and two of the three preps I had last year, with one added that I don't know much about but I'm excited to have. I have plans for HOSA and I think it will be a good year.

I hope my health will cooperate. Since school's been out, I've had an ear infection, stomach troubles, and a heel spur...plus, I'm waiting for the results of some lab work that could be life-changing. We shall see what this brings. I had really hoped to get into shape this summer but between a sore foot, giving up my Y membership because of money, and the extreme heat for this point in the year, I have just not been able to get anywhere. Still, I am LOVING the summer. It is GREAT to have days off.

Derek's mowing at Me-maw's today & Rachel's helping at a camp. Randy was off last week but had to go back today. I'm going to do some homework for my two summer courses now. Later, I'll do a little planning for the school year, and later, go to class. Summer is great.

2010-02-23T05:23:00.002-06:00

I only have about 5 minutes in my schedule for writing today, but I have a lot to write about!

Emotionally, the last few weeks have been rotten. Two months ago today Granddaddy passed, and since then it's been a wild ride (just read my last post if you don't believe it!). I am getting better, really. I don't feel like I'm going through the motions anymore, and I don't feel like I'm going to die myself all the time. I feel like I'm still living in a blur sometimes.

I realize now that I had a lot - a LOT - of wounds that needed healing. I am reconnecting with a lot of people from my younger days, and that is helping me a lot. I'm also realizing how blessed I am with friends I've made in the last few years. Sometimes I still wish I could go back in time and have one more day...or just to go back a month or two or three and have one more chance to say some things...or just to say hey...but it is too late and there's nothing I can do now to change it.

Well, it's been 10 minutes now & I have to walk the dog & finish getting ready for work. That is a tough one. It is really hot in my classroom & I'm frustrated because I suck as a disciplinarian. I have come to the realization that part of my problem is my passive-aggressive nature. I am not really assertive. I tend to avoid confrontation until I can't take it anymore and then I go off. This tendency has ruined several good jobs for me and it could ruin my teaching career. I don't have time to do another class.

I also think I could benefit from some exercise. I love to exercise but sometimes I have a difficult time making myself do it...especially now that I have little free time (I am going to be sorry I sat here & typed for 20 minutes). I'm going to get up & go now. It's going to be a great day!

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby

2010-02-01T07:52:00.003-06:00

This song said it all in 1979.

I was 12 years old and madly, crazy in love with Tracey Evetts. He was two years older than me and I thought he was the most beautiful creature God put on this earth. He played baseball for my dad and he left his glove in the truck at the end of the season. I slept with it under my pillow for a year.

He had a blue bike and I had a red one. Our grandparents lived in the same neighborhood (and had for 75 years). From Tracey, I learned how to play "Galaga" because that game was at the grocery store. He knew I existed, but I'm sure he just thought I was a silly little girl.

In 7th grade, we had this unspoken agreement. When he got on the bus at the high school, he knew he had a seat next to me. I don't remember telling people not to sit there, but I must have let it be known that was his seat. He was a pest. I loved it, but I never let on. I still sort of liked him then, but by then, I was spending a lot of time on the phone with one of his buddies. As teenage "love" goes, his buddy thought I was a silly little girl, and had a crush on another girl.

In 9th grade I fell for him all over again. I don't really remember what went right, or what went wrong that time. I do remember Mom telling me she didn't know why I kept fooling with him, that he didn't care a thing about me, and that I could find someone who DID care about me. Tracey fell in love with another girl, and eventually they got married. Meanwhile, I dated several people, some who cared a lot, and others who really didn't. Most of them didn't pass muster with the parents either. I wondered if they ever thought they'd have been better off if I'd held out for Tracey. (Truthfully, looking back, I know my mom didn't. Don't know how Daddy felt though.)

A few years later, I got married too. One day we happened to be staying in the same place, with relatives at the lake, and he told me how impressed he was at what I was doing. It was nice.

Our lives went different ways. He got divorced. At that time, Randy and I were in Madisonville, having a baby. Randy and I hit a rough patch a little later, around the time we moved back to Tennessee. By then, he was married again, and they were having a baby. I only saw him once in all those years after that. He didn't quite look like the cute little boy who rode the blue bicycle...but then, I didn't look the same either. I couldn't hold that against him. He signed my guestbook on Classmates about 18 months ago. I thought that was nice.

All through these years I have loved those same songs I liked in 1978 and 1979. It was the music I loved when I was 12 years old, when life was fun, when I believed I would grow up to be pretty, and successful, and have everything I dreamed I would have. Good memories.

I loved living in my hometown. It's a good place. I live about 30 minutes from there now. You can live in town and walk to the store, or to school, or to the Post Office. You don't have to drive 5 miles to get a gallon of milk. If you do drive 5 or 6 miles, you can sit down and eat at any kind of restaurant or shop at any kind of store. (Of course, you only have to drive 10 miles for that here.) The best thing about it was that all my family was/is right there. I have often told people I miss those days when my parents and their friends would get together, and how the best times of my childhood were those neighborhood 4th of July parties and gatherings. Some people there still have those kind of get-togethers with their school buddies. I didn't know this until recently. I learned this when he died a little over 2 weeks ago.

I learned this on Facebook. It may sound superstitious, but I'll never check my Facebook during lunch on an "A" day again. It's a school thing - we have classes on alternating days. On A days my planning period is 1st; on B days it's last period. So...I have to plan for B days at the end of A days. I checked Facebook at lunch, didn't have a planning period afterward, left, distraught, at the end of the day and came in at the beginning of the next week on a B day for which I hadn't planned properly. No. I'll never do it again. I depend too much on my ability to plan for the next day, and I can't take a chance on being devastated at the end of the day.

It made me sad for his wife and his daughter. It made me thankful to have my sweet Randy. It made me feel old to think it has been that long - 30 years - since we rode the bus and he hit me with the two big nails he soldered together. It made me feel strange to realize that what I am now is all because of those days and the things I did then. It made me feel empty to think of all that I have missed living here, where I have nothing in common with my neighbors and my family's 30 minutes away and my kids don't go to school with the children of my classmates.

I have spent too much time on the computer when I should have been doing things with people. A lot of those times I was here because Randy was doing his own thing, either playing cards or playing music, and the kids were too little to leave alone, and I didn't have the money to pay someone to watch them while I did my own thing. Now they are bigger, and they don't need me as much as they did then. Rachel will be in college this time next year.

I've had a great life not living in Ridgetop. I've made a lot of friends over the years. I still see people from Ridgetop a lot. I get home often. (Probably not often enough!) In some ways, though, I've missed out on a lot.

This year has been particularly hard because it takes me 30 or more hours a week to prepare for the 40 I spend teaching, and after you count the 10 hours a week I spend commuting and the 10 I spend eating breakfast, showering, reading the paper, checking email, etc. every week, and the 56 I should spend sleeping, that only leaves 22 hours a week to do everything else. That sounds like a lot until you think of what all has to be done. Church is 2 or more hours a week. (I'm glad I became a Methodist! If I were still Baptist that would be more like 5 or 6 hours.) Going to Mom's takes 30 minutes each way, so if I visit for 2 hours, that's 3 hours total. That leaves 17 hours, divided over 7 days...meaning, I only have about 2.5 hours a day to relax and that's not really accurate because I have to do things like go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. I'd like to work out more often, but that's 30 minutes each way travel time and 30 minutes of exercise. And, of course, I spend about an hour of my day on Facebook, but I do get a little social interaction out of that. It's no wonder I feel isolated, though.

I didn't make new year's resolutions this year. Today, though, Feb. 1, I am making new month's resolutions. In my journal, sometime around Jan. 1, I wrote that I need to be happy with the life I have. I do intend to do that. I also intend to start spending more time with my friends while I can.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...or so they tell me

2009-12-27T21:16:00.004-06:00

In some ways, it is...

I haven't written since September. The last 10 weeks or so have been horrendous. Today we buried Granddaddy. I can't believe it, when I look back at the last year. He died on the 23rd. I was there. I saw him die. He was in hospice, so we knew it was coming. It haunts me, but at the same time, I am glad I was there when he crossed over. It was 10 weeks of one step forward, three steps back. Eventually, there weren't any more steps back.

Maybe it's because my life was so yucky those 10 weeks, but school was harder the second half of the semester too. I look forward to the next semester...but not too much, because I am totally enjoying being off work. Well, as totally as one can enjoy being off work when their grandfather, who was so influential in my life, who was so supportive of me growing up, who was at least as much a part of my development as my father, is dying, then it's Christmas, then is buried.

I have one more week. Then I have a professional development day, and two days of training, and then two days with my students. I like this new schedule. I really do.

how I wish, how I wish you were here...

2009-09-15T19:51:00.003-05:00

One of my students plays that on his guitar just about every morning. That's right, I said My Students. I got a teaching job, left the doctor's office behind, and now I get up every morning and leave before daylight and get to work 35 minutes later...at about 6:30 every day. I get off work at 2:15 but usually work until bedtime, not always there, but sometimes I am there until time to pick up the D from football practice.

Life is sort of hard right now. I don't have time to update web pages...unless I am creating a webpage for my students to see what they've missed when they were out, and dang if there aren't four or five of those every day. In this really strange and hard-to-explain way, though, I really like it. I get aggravated from time to time but I do like my students. I think they like me. Some days they may not like me, but overall it goes pretty well. Was I born to do this? I don't know. I do know I wish I had done this a long time ago. I think when I was 22 I would have taken to it rather well. Is this why I never found a nuc job that made me happy? I don't know. I do know that if I'd been stayed at any one of several of them, I would have been there instead of at Vandy and I wouldn't have been laid off, and I wouldn't have been ready for a career change, or if I had been, I would have been afraid to make that change.

I believe I am where God wants me to be.

I can't convince my mother of that. She is terrified. I know she didn't worry so much when I worked at hospitals where I got called in at all hours and had to walk through dark parking garages and scary hallways, where I would have to be in the only car on the interstate amongst all those 18-wheelers, sometimes making two or even three 30-mile-one-way treks per night, then get up and do it all again the next day. She was probably blissfully unaware that I walked in danger then, when I would be all alone in a nuclear medicine or ultrasound department, just me with a patient. Some of those rooms didn't have emergency call buttons or if they did, they'd be ringing at some empty desk if pulled in the middle of the night. I worried back then. Would the patient fall while I was in the other room getting his dose? Or would he jump me and leave me in the cold, empty department to die? Would I hurt myself trying to move him with no help because my dose would expire before help came? Would I have to walk to the other hospital, outside in the dark or through those dark, scary hallways, trying to get the films to the radiologist? Then possibly have to take more pictures?

So far, school is much less scary.

I do sometimes look at my teaching friends who don't have to drive 35 miles to work, or who teach at their kids' schools or who teach at schools closer to home, or where I grew up, and I think, surely it would it have been easier there. But would it really? My tires might have been slashed after my son's team beat their school's team in football. My kids would be mortified if I told stories on them at their school.

It is hard work. I have no free time. I should be working on my lesson plan for tomorrow right now. No, really I should have already done it. But, I was looking at Blogger thinking this might be a good way for me to help those kids who come in every week, already behind, needing to know what they need to do to catch up. I am going to make that blog a little more private than this one, but, I think it'll be here on Blogger after all. Anyway, say a prayer for me and for Mom too, will ya? She needs all our prayers and please, ask God to comfort her about me too. I think I'm going to be all right.

School's out for summer

2009-07-19T17:11:00.003-05:00

School was out last time I wrote, but school is about to become a lot more important in my life again. I am going back to school. Finally, I have decided what I want to do with my life. I want to be a teacher. Deep down, I think I have always wanted this. I don't necessarily regret becoming a nuclear medicine technologist, but I have always had this desire to share what I had learned. In my first nuclear medicine job, I felt very ignorant. I had a B.S. degree, and sometimes I wondered if the "other" BS wasn't appropriate. I knew so much less than the "kids" coming out of the A.S. program in radiography, for which my employer was a clinical facility. In my second job, I DID get to train nuclear medicine students, and I did my best to ensure that they didn't feel as stupid as I felt when I got into the real world. I left that job because I had two small children who needed a mom who could volunteer with their elementary school classes and Girl Scouts and Mission Friends and Children in Action. I worked part-time and then full-time again for another teaching facility. There, the supervisor assigned me to work with the x-ray students who needed to observe nuclear medicine. From there I went to an office job, where I learned that not every office is a perfect job, like the techs I worked with at Skyline had moved into. So I went back to work for another teaching hospital, where I had hoped someday to work with students again. But, that job went away as quickly as it came. So now I am at another doctor's office, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. And it will drop. It's just a matter of time.

So, knowing that, I had to think about what I might be able to do when I need another job. Two nuc techs I know went into teaching vocational health occupations courses. I would love to do this, but I was told in my home county that they have an opening, but only RN's could teach this class. Another county near here has an opening and the ad specifically says an RN is not necessary, just preferred. I just don't know if I want to teach THERE. I don't know. I am thinking about it, but one thing I know for certain: I want to teach. Another thing I know for certain: I start classes in August for my MA. I met with the Graduate Coordinator yesterday. I am going to be a teacher. Maybe not this year (doesn't look good anyway) but probably next year. Keep looking in this spot for more updates...just don't expect them very often!!!

always something breaking us in two.

2009-06-16T22:20:00.002-05:00

i broke my right hand 11 days ago. 17 more days to wear the cast. i am sick of it already. it is hot and miserable. tired of not being able to do things. hurts sometimes. broke it at new job. the "hold on to the patient's belt, it will keep them from falling on the treadmill" trick does not work. patient still fell and i have a broken hand to prove it. life is still busy. just wanted to check in. back in another 2 months, ha ha.

Who wants to go to Fire Lake?

2009-04-12T20:06:00.002-05:00

I want to go to the lake. Only I want it to be warmer there than it is here.

I love Easter, but today I just didn't feel very good. My morning got off to a bad start. The sunrise service was sort of stressful. The cantata went all right. The dinner at Randy's mom's house was good. Dinner was good at Mom's too, but by that time I had eaten too much. I am tired of my thumb being in a protective sock while my cut heals. Everybody thought I was mad, but I really wasn't, when I wanted Rachel to take Randy's plate. I didn't want Mom to have to take it because I didn't want her to think Randy was too lazy to take his own.

Deep down I really wanted to have Easter here today. I knew it wouldn't happen because nobody wants to come out here. My house is too small (like Mom's isn't?), it's too far away (ok, I'll give them that - so I drive that far every week of my life) & it's got too many animals. Well, that is for sure. I am ready for a new house. I know, I am not going to get one. It really doesn't have to be big and fancy. It just needs to be a little bigger. I need a second back door. I need a lot of things.

I am tired. Later!

Behind Closed Doors

2009-04-10T06:27:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged in awhile because...well, I just haven't made the time to write a lot lately. I started this post this morning. Then I re-thought the whole situation & now it's midnight - the next morning & I'm working on it again.

Life is busy, as usual.

This month I finally got an iPod & so far, the song I have played most has been "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich.

I liked this song when I was a kid. I wonder how much of it I understood, when I was six years old. Did I know what he meant when he said "She makes me glad that I'm a MAN!"? I wonder. But I knew it was something like "She's A Lady." I knew I wanted to be not just a woman, but a lady when I grew up.

I could go into all this, why this song in particular has been the one I've played over and over ad nauseum. And by the way, I always have one of those at any particular time in my life. A few months ago it was "Can't Fight This Feeling." Before that it was something else. My hair is longer now than it used to be, so sometimes I put it up...and behind closed doors, I let my hair hang down. But that's not why I like it. It might be what makes me think of it more often.

This made the fourth week I worked at the new place. I have liked it far more than I thought I would. I really didn't see that coming. I just realized I haven't written about that at all. Wow.

It has been wild. At first, when I was training, I cried a lot. I mean, a LOT. Then I actually did it on my own a few days, & I was OK with it. And after about a week, well, I was glad things happened the way they did. And after two weeks, I was sure it was for the best. I miss my old job. I loved it. But I like the new place too. I have a lot more autonomy and it is a lot closer to home. I may not be getting quite as good of a package, but it is nice to have more free time. I had a tough day today, but it wasn't awful. It was better than sitting at home wondering if Vanderbilt was ever going to call me back. Which they haven't.

It has been a tremendous change, going to a place where I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am making things better. I may not ever be appreciated for that by my employers, but, I think the patients appreciate it. And, just for that alone, I feel much more valuable. Just about every day, at least one patient - sometimes more than one - hugs me, or tells me they had a good experience. Some days I will see a patient I scanned a few days ago & they will say something nice about their test. I hope they are telling the doctors that too. I try to make the patients feel as good as some of them make me feel. So far, it seems to be working.

It has its moments. I cut my thumb open yesterday with a razor, getting ready to prep a man's chest. In my old job, that wouldn't have happened because (A) we had shavers with a different type of blade, though they were trying to replace them when I left, and (B) I didn't have to prep most of my patients...though I did prep some of them so it could've happened there, I guess. On the other hand, in my old job I mashed a finger & cut my hand on a collimator, so you can get hurt anywhere. I had to spend 20 minutes getting put back together, with patients waiting. But as always, it worked out.

The rest of my life has been interesting too. It seems to be going by in a frenzied rush...sort of like the tornadoes that seem to hit on a weekly basis in this area.

A few weeks ago Randy's fraternity was re-chartered at APSU & we got to see some of our old buddies from college. That made me do some thinking...as did a picture a friend put on Facebook...as did a chance encounter with an old acquaintance, & then a second chance encounter with that acquaintance a few days later. I remembered a lot of things from our younger days that I have missed a lot since we grew up & changed. For instance, I used to love going to functions when Randy worked at The Messenger. I don't know if I realized it at the time...I probably dreaded getting ready, I was probably nervous about going, but I have great, great memories of those dinners. And since he left there, he hasn't worked anywhere I got to do that kind of socializing. Once or twice a year we have dinners with Jostens people, and I do like those. But it is so rare.

When we were young, I used to like going to see Randy play because his band played clubs where a lot of people would go: college friends, family members, his co-workers, you name it. That fell by the wayside too. Now, if his bands play out, they're in biker bars, and I'm not really comfortable there. (Though the Bikers Who Care Christmas party I went to was great!) Most of the time his bands just get together & practice, then they sit around & play cards or watch a race or game or something. I am not a part of this scene. I spend most of my weekend nights here at the house doing nothing.

This has always been a source of friction for me & Randy. His friends are mostly single, or divorced...few have girlfriends. When they get girlfriends, the girls keep them out of that circle. I don't particularly want to hang out with single women on the weekends. It is nothing personal. I just feel like I'm the only one not looking for a date, or who has to get home to the kids. It makes me wonder if Randy's buddies are looking for dates too. (If they are truly at some guy's house playing cards, probably not.) If I weren't married to Randy, I wouldn't be out trolling in some bar looking for a date. I seriously don't think I would have to, but if I did, I'd rather go sit at Borders & read for my own personal pleasure! Or sing Karaoke at Talents!

Truth be told, I LIKED the hobnobbing. I liked being the lady who was leaving with Randy! I liked the feeling that he was proud to be seen out with me in places like that. I don't necessarily have to be the most beautiful woman there, or by any means the most important one. I just want to be there, & for Randy to be proud to have me there. For a long time, that has been missing. I used to think I looked too frumpy & it didn't matter. But now, I don't feel all that frumpy anymore & by golly, I want him to be proud to be with me. So stay tuned. We will see how this pans out.

Mom's hanging in there, not getting any better really (I am a medical professional. Please don't tell me she's not going to get better. I know how this works. I also know people who have lived with this disease for a long time.) but, considering all, it is nothing short of AMAZING that she has been able to work as long as she has in her job as a school cafeteria worker. I think she would've liked to have been off work more, but at the same time, she didn't WANT to quit. But the time has come that she needs to quit her job. Hopefully, this will allow her to use her strength to feel better, instead of to get by. It is a tough time for her.

Rachel's job situation isn't good. Her hours have been cut. I hate this because we go to church with her boss, and Sunday is Easter, of course, so we will have to see her. But losing my job, though it seemed like the end of the world, has opened new doors for me, and maybe this change will do the same for Rachel.

I thought about saying something crazy, like publicly asking the church to donate money for Rachel's trip to Costa Rica because she was getting her hours cut...but I have more class than that. I am not going to be mean. Like I said, it wasn't bad for me in the long run, so it might be good for Rachel too. Besides, we've just about got this trip paid for anyway.

Longtime Channel 4 news anchor Dan Miller died this week. He's been a fixture in Nashville news. He will be missed, especially by his family. I understand he was a great dad.

Well, that's enough for now, I guess.

Oooh, dream weaver...

2009-02-26T23:09:00.002-06:00

Splain this one.

Early in the morning last Friday, the day I lost my job, I had a crazy dream.

I was standing at the corner just down the road, where my road meets the main highway, where kids wait for the bus. Well, I looked toward Nashville (where my old job is) & saw this white and black spotted pit bull running toward Clarksville, going just as fast as he could. This dog looked healthy and fit. He didn't look at anything around him, didn't stop to sniff people or road kill or anything, just ran as fast as he could.

He didn't even stop to sniff the other dog, the black, healthy looking pit bull that was running just as fast as he could from Clarksville to Nashville. Neither did that dog stop to sniff either the other dog or the human (me). He just ran as fast as he could!

If I ever have that dream again, I am going back to bed.

Earlier in the week I had dreamed about Granny Adcock. In that dream she was older than she was when she died - it was sort of like what she might've looked like had she lived a little longer. I saw myself in her. I used to be so sad when I dreamed about her, because they always reminded me that she was gone. Now I kind of like it - it's kind of like she's still here.

it's just emotion that's taken me over

2009-02-22T16:04:00.003-06:00

Today I am just overwhelmed, filled with emotions. I think Barry Gibb wrote this song:

In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion that's taken me
over, tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul.

Some are good. Some are bad.

I feel disappointed that I could have to start all over working toward the five year mark to get the hospital's tuition benefit for my kids, and I might have to completely give that up.
That makes me angry. Yes, I made financial mistakes when I was younger but this job was "supposed" to be my "redemption."
I feel sad that I have to tell my 16-year-old daughter that our last hope for getting her through college just dried up. She just got the disappointing news that she didn't get into the summer program she was hoping would land her a good scholarship. Now, not only will she miss out on the two years of tuition assistance I thought I'd get, my income is dropping, even if they call me back.
I feel scared facing the future with such a shaky financial structure. What will I have to give up?
I feel relieved to know it's me. The waiting is over.
I feel excited that I COULD find something I would like better.
I feel bitter that I might have to start taking call again, while people who haven't taken call in 15 years won't. I've paid my dues. Two or three times, compared to some people.
I feel a little giddy that I'm going to get some paid vacation time (aka "severance pay") out of this.
I feel guilty that I feel any joy in this.

I feel a lot of things. But those are the recurring themes.

I just wanted to write that down. I needed to get it out of my system.

How does it feel? To be on your own, Like a rolling stone

2009-02-21T20:13:00.004-06:00

I guess I'm a rolling stone now. I lost my job yesterday.

If you read my last post, you know. Numbers were down. It was a case of the candle burning at both ends. On one side, we had my employer expanding & sending doctors to outlying areas - then the patients opted to have their tests at their home hospital instead of driving to the main campus. (Economic reasons? High gas? Probably.) On the other side, the economy was just flat out knocking down our numbers. Healthcare may be recession-proof, but diagnostic imaging is not. People can't afford to come have an expensive test if they don't have insurance. People can't afford their 10% if they DO have insurance.

I make good money, but if you subtract the cost of the medicines themselves & the supplies, one test would still pay my salary for five weeks. I don't know how much the machines cost per test. But if one machine lasts for ten years (and that's probably close to average), and if they cost twice what they did 15 years ago, then they'd only need to do two tests a month to pay for it. I figure if my house costs $300 a month to keep it heated & cooled & watered & hooked up to the phone (and it really doesn't cost that much), one test ought to pay for lights & water for one scan room for two years. I know all these things add up, & I know I don't know everything about running a hospital, but I think what they've been making from my work area in the course of a month minus the salaries, the benefits, the medicines, the estimated cost of a month of using the machine and the utitlities equals 1 million dollars. I know they don't get the full price for every test either. It's much more complicated than all that. It is just that - it is complicated.

That's my ranting. I won't go into the politics of who got what or whose fault it is or any of that. It is possible that I could be offered another job through Vanderbilt. It is hard to say. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know when, really. I go back Monday, & then we take it day by day, I guess, until the paperwork is completed. Then I get paid for awhile afterwards, then...we will see if the other job is open. I don't have to make up my mind right away about what I'm going to do, but a lot of this wasn't my choice. I didn't do it my way this time.

It is a strange feeling to look across the table at the person who hired you, who was someone you trained back in the day, telling you that your services are no longer needed. It is strange to think, I changed my whole life for this, to drive 35 miles one way to work so that my kids could have assistance going to college, & then find out, I may have to start all over. I have to work there full time for 5 years to get that benefit. When I started my kids were 15 and 12. Five years would've put the benefit going into effect at ages 20 and 17. I could've gotten the benefit for half of Rachel's college, all of Derek's. Now, if all I can get is part-time in three months, and if indeed it does become full-time again in six, and I have to start over the kids will be 17 and 14. Five years would put it completely out of Rachel's range, and cut off a year out of Derek's. And that's provided I get full-time that soon.

Randy said, "Well, before you cut Vanderbilt completely out of your plans, let me know. I don't want to put my future trust in some doctor's office." I said, "Well, I don't know that I'll ever completely trust Vanderbilt again."

Do you blame me?

riders on the storm

2009-02-18T16:23:00.003-06:00

As I predicted, my storm isn't over.

First the good news. Mom is doing as well as can be expected. Heck, in my opinion, she's doing better than anybody expected! She got through the radiation treatments & now she's back to work & getting stronger every day.

The bad news - and you knew there would be some - is that my job has been about as stressful as it could possibly be. This job I wished for and dreamed of, this job that was supposed to be our way of the hole we were in and into security - for our kids & their dreams of driving and going to college, for me & Randy to get some of our debts paid, this job that was going to be the one I would retire from - may be disappearing. They tell us somebody's going. Frankly, I think it looks pretty grim.

The what & the why will come later. I don't want to get into all that right now. I am just a little tired of being on the edge.

I think we will know Friday afternoon. That's when we will have the big meeting. I am off until Friday morning at 7. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous or scared, but, I have faith & I have friends, & I have my family, & I will do something. Maybe I can go back to mystery shopping or doing PRN work or selling antiques. Maybe there will be more nursing home singing jobs. If I am available every day, who knows? I would still like to make my CD I've been planning. Maybe I'll sell some copies of that. Randy has the option of taking the insurance for us, & we will be all right.

my head is like a football

2009-02-06T04:55:00.002-06:00

I am not hung over, but I don't feel much better than that. I am sucking down coffee and hoping for relief soon. It may be a fraction better than it was when I got up. I hate waking up with a headache. I have done it two of the last three days.

On a brighter note, the Cheatham County Rock Star's Wife and Hee Haw Tribute Page author salutes UT women's basketball coach Pat Head Summitt on her 1000th win. Yes, I work at Vanderbilt but that doesn't mean I am not happy for her!!! How many basketball coaches do that? Awesome!

Just sing, sing a song

2009-01-30T22:50:00.005-06:00

This month is just about over. It has been quite surreal.

Today's title came from FlyLady. The song got stuck in my head.

This month, I have received two of those phone calls everyone dreads, both with happy outcomes. The one where you see your child's number on the caller ID, and a deputy talks when you say, "Hello." This same deputy escorted this child home from a sleepover gone awry, one where kids I didn't know were part of the party went out vandalizing and took my son, who sat on the side of the road and watched. Then there's the one where your little girl is crying and saying, "Mom, I didn't mean to..." five minutes after the car left the house with her and her little brother in it. All the questions follow: "Did you wreck? Are you hurt? Did you hit another car?" It was a minor fender-bender. Well, heck, it didn't even bend any fenders, just got a lot of dirt stuck to the wheel wells. Happy endings.

This month, I have sung in two nursing homes, both with happy outcomes. I am scheduled to sing in two more, and one of the first ones again. I'm also scheduled to sing in two churches other than my own this month. I am nervous, and scared, yet excited beyond my ability to communicate. I suppose I am living the dream. In that respect, my life is going great. I'm not overwhelmed with bookings and opportunities, but they're out there, & I'm getting there.

I created a website for my budding gospel music career. I think I've had 100 visitors. One was a man in Washington who wants me to send him a video for his TV show. I need to work on that soon.

I got a Facebook account. I have over 100 friends so far. I know a lot of people.

We got a settlement from the accident in October, which we were not expecting (well, we weren't until about two weeks ago). This was a good thing.

Mom's doctor decided to investigate the headaches she started having between Christmas and New Year's, and found that the abnormality seen on the PET scan in the fall that he originally thought benign because of her blood work wasn't really benign after all, and had spread to multiple areas.

That was a bad, bad day. That was two weeks ago. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, like my legs were going out from under me. I had to lie down on one of the stretchers in one of the stress rooms to get the rest of the information from my brother.

I was doing a pretty good job of updating the Hee Haw page until that happened. Now I just don't really care again, for which I am genuinely sorry, but not sorry enough to get back to the pages yet. Maybe soon.

Rachel learned today that she didn't get into Governor's School. Now she wants to go to Costa Rica again. She is already going in March. I don't know about her going in June. I do know that her brother can't go with her. I can't afford for him to go too AND go to Philadelphia for the 8th grade trip. Maybe next year.

We have had snow and ice, not as much ice as our neighbors just north of us who had ice and no power for days. The snow hung around until this morning. There might even be a little here & there waiting for the next one to show up Monday.

I saw my son get awards for scoring high on a pre-ACT type test & for participating on the wrestling team, I sang at church three times, one solo, once with Randy, & once with Rachel. I saw Gold City in Erin, I worked out a few times, we celebrated Mom's 60th birthday & I decided to go back to chorus this semester.

I worked a lot of hours, probably mostly because we've had someone out almost all month. She worked 4 days all month, I think. Maybe 3. Work is still going, thank God. It's tight there like everywhere else, but I feel OK about it. Just tired.

No wonder I am tired. I have had several months' worth of excitement.

I hope this whirlwind isn't indicative of what's to come the rest of the year. I have a feeling it is just the beginning of the storm.

There's within my heart a melody...

2009-01-17T15:59:00.002-06:00

Life is bittersweet right now.

On one hand, I am at a very exciting point. My music "career," if you can call it that, is moving in the right direction, and at a pretty good rate. I had my first "solo gig" at a nursing home this past Wednesday and it was great. The director, who used to be the activities director at a large nursing home (that PAYS for entertainment!) gave me a big thumbs-up and her assistant told me about a place I need to contact in Clarksville. Also, the assistant told me I reminded her of Sandi Patty (not a comparison I'd heard before, but one I could kind of understand, and appreciate!). She got me thinking about checking out Sandi's website, which led me to the GMA website, which is truly a wealth of information for singers.

I am scheduled to sing at my uncle's church in Ridgetop on Feb. 8, which alternately thrills and terrifies me. I think it will go well - I am trusting in God for this! - but I can't help being a bit nervous. I don't want to go into all of that. I am excited.

I have so many potential opportunities in front of me. I am looking into singing at smaller churches that may not have a deep pool of singers within their membership. There really are a lot of them around here. I don't want to take away from any other church's music program, just to provide a break from their usual routine and/or possibly provide special music for special occasions. A fellow in Washington state contacted me about putting a video on his television show. That is really exciting!

Recording a real, sellable album is my next big goal, with some smaller ones in the meantime such as talking to people I know about singing in their churches and nursing homes. I may possibly record again at the little studio in the mall, a CD of traditional songs that people might play on more somber occasions. And this Wednesday, on my day off, I am going to set up some dates in some of those places.

I admit that the call of the road - traveling in a Silver Eagle and singing in different churches every night and recording - and the lifestyle that sometimes goes with it, can be very enticing. I am not perfect. I admit I think it would be nice to make enough money to do that. But I am really enjoying what's going on right now in that part of my life. It's exciting, the busy-going-every-direction, working at the office full time and going home to put together websites and CDs.

My goal isn't to get rich, but I would like to be able to pay off some debts. I made up my mind going into this that I am not going into debt to buy anything to do with my music ministry. Not even an accompaniment track! I believe that if I give God this gift and this desire, He will meet my needs. And, so far, things have been great in that respect. I don't want to go into detail on this either, but I got some money I wasn't expecting. Not a lot, not even enough to make that CD I was talking about, but a little trickle I didn't think I'd get, and that made me feel good.

On a more personal note, I joined Facebook this week and already have 41 friends. I am not in competition with anyone but I have gone way past some folks I know who have been on for awhile. I really do know everybody. No, that's obviously not true.

I am a little slow getting to the other hand. Unfortunately, it is just as hard to deal with as the other hand is fun and exciting. Mom got a really bad report yesterday. The ugly, hateful, bad cancer is trying very hard to take her away from us. She is so positive and upbeat, I believe if your faith will make you whole, she should already be there. That's just not happened yet, and she needs our prayers, y'all. Please keep her, as well as Karen Shearron, who plays guitar with me, Randy & Rachel sometimes, in your prayers. Both of them are going through a really rough time.

Lifestyles of the not so rich and famous

2009-01-14T12:46:00.003-06:00

Yes, I did steal that line for my blog.

I am having a good hair day! It's a good thing too because today I have my very first real on-my-own-outside-my-home-church gig. I am hoping for the best!

Unfortunately, the older I get the fewer good typing days I have. I used to be great! Now I misspell about half of what I type. Fortunately I am pretty good at spotting this and correcting it right away but I amaze myself at how many errors I make! For example: I have, in the 5 minutes I've been writing this, misspelled and corrected the words "hair," "best," and "fewer." I failed to capitalize "Now" and "I've." That is not a good record! (And for the record, since I stopped counting those other words, I misspelled record both times I typed it, as well as the word misspelled, and since and times.) I could do a lot of writing if I didn't have to do so much correcting!

Well, I have been fairly busy updating the websites lately. Jon Hager, from Hee Haw, passed away last week. The visitation is today in Nashville. I am not going. If it were any other day of the week, I probably would because I park about five blocks from that funeral home to go to work, but I'm off today & have my "gig" in the opposite direction! But my thoughts are with his family and friends and fans. I had a lot of fans & curious folks visiting my site this weekend.

I also took Rachel to Murfreesboro to audition for the Governor's School of the Arts on Saturday. She thought the audition went well, but of course she is sitting on pins and needles waiting to see if she gets in. It would be a great thing for her to get a scholarship if she does make it. Say a prayer!

Well, it is time to get ready to go do this. I am singing for some folks at a little nursing home near my home. It isn't a big gig but I am a little anxious about it. I think it will be good practice for me and I hope it is a blessing to them. Later!

On the sunny side

2009-01-07T08:31:00.002-06:00

Is that SUN I see outside my window?

Just a quick update while I finish my coffee this morning.

Last night I was up late updating my web pages. I have many. My own personal corner of the web is extremely tangled. I sat there looking at it last night and thinking, can I UNTANGLE this mess? I think so. It may take the rest of my life, but I can do it.

I have two main sites, my music page (www.singingbush.com), which is new, and my old site, www.rissystreasures.com, which has many directories and subdirectories and duplicate directories and - you get the picture.

The new page is fine. It may need a tweak or two but it's good. I only need to make two changes, one, to add a form mail page and the other, to move my MP3 files to another site so as not to blow out my bandwidth. The old site has a bunch of bandwidth, so that's where I need to move them.

The old site has lots and lots of pages and lots and lots of links and a lot of them are outdated and broken. My computer is even more clogged up, if you can believe that - and you probably can - so I am trying to clean two directories at once as I go. So the cleanup process is going to be a long one.

Eventually, the site will be like this:
The main index will be rissystreasures.com.

A. It will have links to my music page, my blog, and my MySpace page.

B. The classic country memories site will be divided into four sections:

Hee Haw
other classic country music shows,
other classic TV shows,
and my writing, both fiction and non-fiction.

C. Then there will be another section for my laughter pages, which will include:

the old laughter pages (at least the ones I don't purge from my archive. I am cleaning house, and anything that is just totally stupid is out the door!)
and the royalty project.

D. I will have another directory to add information to the singingbush site, like those MP3s that the other site's not really designed to handle.

Then everything that doesn't need to be there is going to the recycle bin...all those pictures of albums no longer available on Amazon, duplicate pages within the site, etc.

And then there's one more thing. I'm going to design my own "File Not Found" page that says, "Oops! You broke the Internet!"

I feel very self-centered this morning. It has all been about shameless self-promotion lately, to me. I know it's not really all about me. I don't want it to be. It is just...rehearse for this, schedule that, send a CD here, send an email there...I see why people say stardom is not all it's cracked up to be. And I am not even a star!!! And all this webpage updating makes me think, who do I think I am, some kind of writer? But I can't deny the reality that my Hee Haw page still gets, on the average, 100 new visitors every day. That blows my mind.

Actually I think this is all going to free up more time to be more productive both in doing the things I need to be doing (like more writing) and also to do more for other people (already I'm baking bread, doing more visiting, able to do more for & with the kids & Randy, stuff like that). Once I finish this site cleanup I am going to have a lot easier time updating pages.

2009-01-03T06:19:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year to All!

I have about 10 minutes to spare this morning so here I am. I have a new website to tell you about. The URL is www.singingbush.com and it's the beginning of what will be my music website. I still have to add pictures, and to figure out how to add MP3s, but it is off to a nice start. Actually, I need to edit something on it, so I guess I only have 5 minutes now.

Musically, things are going great right now. I am singing for a couple of local nursing homes in the next month, and this excites me. After Granny's few weeks in a nursing home I really feel for people who are in there and can't go anywhere. A lot of them love music but can't go see any performers, and there are a lot of them who don't have a DVD player or don't know how to use one.

(Kind of like I don't know how to text without looking at the cell phone in annoyance. They finally found something electronic that I can't do. Or, at least, I can't do very well.)

Anyway, I am looking forward to giving those good folks a little distraction from their long and lonely days. I think it will be good for me too, and not just as a way for me to hone my entertainment skills. A few weeks ago I went to visit my great-aunt and -uncle in Ridgetop and it was as much a blessing for me as for them. They are so entertaining. The story of that would take another day to write!

I also took them a copy of the demo CD I made, which they LOVED and immediately asked for more copies of, to give to other relatives. It was what I call "Sampler 3.0" because it was the third one...I made a copy of three songs I did here at the house with Audacity & my accompaniment tracks, then I got three done at the studio at Opry Mills, then I took those together & put them on one. Now I am on "4.0" because I re-did one of my songs that I did here at home. I like the mix much, much better. Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to put clips of those on my website. In time!

My time has run out this morning! I have to go with Derek to his wrestling "banquet." They are "rock" climbing in Nashville! After that we are going to a movie. More later.

Hey, it's good to be back home again.

2008-11-29T11:32:00.004-06:00

It's been a great weekend. We went to Dover on Thursday. Yesterday I did a little running around. The only shopping I did was for kitty litter & toilet paper! Today I had to get the tags renewed for Rachel's car. I've had plenty of time to do housework this weekend. I needed a lot of time, since my feet have been suffering from neuropathy. That's a project for next week! I have been reading about some new medicines to treat neuropathy & I am planning to call for an appointment on Monday. For now I'm just dealing with it. I work a little while & then I do sitting work. (Like this.)

I love being home on days like this. It's cozy in here, with the tree & the winter decorations. I still have a long way to go to be ready for Christmas, but it's coming along.

Singing as I go

2008-11-23T20:08:00.003-06:00

Life has been busy, as usual. Maybe more than usual.

Wrestling season is in full force & that's kept us occupied. Here's a link to our local paper, which mentions Derek in the Nov. 24 edition on page 12. (It's actually page 17 but each 2 pages are in one PDF.) That's not Derek in the picture! He is still learning the moves. When he has lost matches, it's been because he really didn't know how to get out of them! He has come a long way, though. I'm proud of him.

One night he had four matches within an hour. He lost them all. That was hard on him. It was hard on his mama too.

Though Rachel's activities haven't taken as much of my time, I've enjoyed watching her perform at the choir's Veterans' Day concert & the school's talent show. She is working a lot & always on the go.

Thanksgiving is upon us & we are thankful for a lot of things. Mom & Granddaddy are doing fairly well. Randy's still with us & still walking on both feet after this year of leg problems & car accidents. The kids are doing great. My job is going all right & my health is better than usual. (And, usually, it's pretty good!) There's a lot of trouble & trials in the world, but there's a bright & a sunny side of life too.

I feel like all the parts of my life are full & rich right now, even though I do seem to have a difficult time working in enough physical activity. That's a project for another day. I try to fit in plenty of time to be artistic, whether it's writing or singing or another form.

As for writing, I am trying to figure out how to use speech recognition so I can dictate stories while I drive to work. I really haven't done as much writing as I should lately.

I definitely work in time for music. I've been fooling with the guitar and the autoharp, preparing for the cantata with the choir, & hoping to do some recording very soon. I would really like to have some kind of "sampler" to give to people. I would like to sing Southern Gospel in some other churches or maybe at nursing homes. I've had two sermons & a sign I pass every day all telling me I need to go forward with this. But I also have the desire to sing more classical music. I miss having some kind of "class" experience where I learn skills to get better. I got a little tired of that, but I miss it now that it's not there. Because of that, I'm also planning to audition for the Vanderbilt Community Chorus again. I auditioned last year & didn't make it, probably because they had too many women singers & not enough men. This year they have a new director.

I liked singing in the Music City Community Chorus & Renee, the director, is great, but it did not work so well with my schedule. The Vanderbilt chorus rehearses on the night prior to my regularly scheduled day off. I don't have to drive so far to get there (I really don't have to drive any extra at all) & I don't have to work the next day! They also don't have weekend sectionals, which were hard for me to make because I live so far out. I'm glad I got out when I did this semester, because I don't think I'd be doing so well fitting 1-2 chorus rehearsals in with two wrestling matches & two church choir practices every week.

As for other art, I'm doing a lot of cross-stitching at these wrestling matches. They are rather long events. The regular matches take about 4 to 5 hours from start to finish. Tournaments are all day events. Saturday we got to Harpeth at 7 a.m. & got home about 4:30. And we were some of the early ones to leave! I like to watch, but it's also nice to have time to cross-stitch. I was glad to have a whole day to do it, but my butt was about sick of those bleachers.

Well, I am late getting to bed. I have a big week ahead.

Life is great, & gettin' better.

2008-11-11T05:01:00.003-06:00

On Sunday I went to see Jeff & Sheri Easter. If you've never seen them, or heard of them, please check them out. They really blessed me. Unfortunately, I have run out of time to do much writing today but hopefully I can get back on in the morning & add to this entry!

As promised, here is what I've been up to.

2008-11-07T04:56:00.002-06:00

In my last post I promised to do less editorializing & more reporting of my life's events. So here I am!

On Wednesday we bought the replacement truck for Randy. It's new to us, but not brand new. It's a fire-engine red Ford Explorer Sport Track. It's sharp, & he really likes it, which is the most important thing, I guess.

Last night I went to Derek's first wrestling match. They actually wrestled against two teams so it was a long night. Derek did not win either of his matches but you have to start somewhere. His first match went quickly but he fought a little harder on the second & showed a little more skill.

Physical activity is something our family hasn't been really into until the last year. I can't say we're all more active than we used to be. Derek has really taken the bull by the horns, though, as he chose to play football this past spring & fall & now has gone into wrestling to keep himself conditioned. He has lost a little weight, but mostly went from stocky to slim & trim by growing up seven inches in two years. He is much more active than he used to be, too. He still eats us out of house & home, but that is an expense I am glad to bear right now.

After being sick a couple weeks ago, I am ready to get back on track with my fitness program. I was working out 6-10 hours a week a couple of months ago, but things happen to get you off track. So, I'm ready to start again. I think this evening I'll try to do something, either go to the Y or pop in a dance tape or something. Then tomorrow before I go to Bowling Green for the educational meeting, I'll do Tae Bo with my tape. I'm excited!

Time marches on.

2008-11-05T05:10:00.006-06:00

OK. History has been/is being made. Congratulations to President-elect Obama. May God guide you as you lead our nation.

I didn't blog about the election & I'm not going to say any more about it. I just don't do political arguments very well. I guess I am too open-minded, because I can usually see both sides of the story, & most elections are no exception to that.

I don't make decisions very well. It is just part of who I am. Oh, some decisions come easy for me. When Randy wrecked his truck last week, I had time to go up to see the truck first, but I went to see him. The truck could wait until the next day, but I wanted to see that he was, truly, all right. Most decisions aren't so simple. Do I pick the more expensive & time-consuming but healthier meal or go for the convenient, cheaper (& sometimes, better tasting) fast food? Do I spend $800 on tires at the tire store or take a chance with the $400 tires we can get from Randy's buddy who works at the salvage yard?

By the way, the $400 tires that didn't fit exactly right caused us to spend $400 on repairs. And less than a month later, the truck got totaled - when someone pulled out & hit my husband, through no fault of his own. This is what's wrong with the economy at my house. I try not to look at life with a victim mentality, but when you've about got a truck paid for & someone else hits you, & you can't get a truck as good as that one for the money the insurance company gives you, well, it's kind of hard not to think, "I need $10,000 more dollars, & I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this."

So, I am ready to move on. I don't know exactly what changes our nation is headed for, only what I have heard from many different prognosticators. I do, however, know Someone who does.

When I started this blog, I thought I would use it to write more about my faith & about my desire to live a simpler, greener life. It has not turned out that way much at all. I don't have time to do a lot of blogging, but I am not going to quit. I just don't update often.

My life has changed. I used to work 30 hours a week, spend hours finding the cheapest grocery prices, drive a lot of miles to find organically-grown chicken & wheat for grinding to make my own bread. (I never did get that into a habit, though, as much as I like baking bread.) I spent hours & money trying to build my own home-based business. I thought I would have been better off if I had married someone who wanted to have as many children as God would give them, homeschooling them & living on one income. But, I didn't do that. I didn't know that was an option when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. Even though I grew up in church & my mom didn't work full-time most of my childhood, I didn't think I would be an at-home mom, because there were all kinds of moms in my community, & I didn't see that one kind was better than the other. I was always encouraged to go to college & have a career, & that I could have it all.

I have no desire to argue with people who, for whatever reasons, are living their dream or a life I find intriguing but wouldn't work for me because I didn't marry the same man they did. I don't blame my husband for the fact that I work 40 hours a week outside the home, but he grew up in a two-income family & wanted two children & no more. I've blogged about that before. I tried working less, to spend more time at home, & I ended up in more debt. Now I am working more, still in debt, but thankful to have a job with good benefits, thankful to have a loving husband who understands what I am going through every day, & thankful to have two teenagers who are hard-working, good kids.

I would like to spend more time at home, doing more domestic things like healthy meal preparation. I hope to do more blogging about that.

I would also like to do more writing & I intend to do more blogging about that.

So, my focus may change a little, from the "I wish I was a "crunchy" conservative homeschooling mom but I'm too broke & screwed up" perspective to "Here's what I'm doing in the garden & where I'm singing this week & what I've been writing." Personally, I think it's going to be a positive & fun change.

Talk to God, & listen to the casual reply

2008-10-14T22:13:00.008-05:00

Name that tune!

If you said "Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver, you are right.

I've been listening to John Denver a lot lately. I'm not sure why. I think it's because it's fall, & that's when "a fire softly burning" & "supper on the stove" sounds pretty good. ("When the sun's comin' up I got cakes on the griddle" sounds promising as well.) I am off work this week & though I don't have a fireplace, I do try to have supper on the stove when Randy gets home if I'm not working. Cakes on the griddle aren't really good for him (blood sugar issues, you know). If he would eat the kind I make with whole wheat & maple syrup instead of that sugary artificial (but really tasty) stuff they put in the bottles shaped like old servant women or log cabins, then he might not have the problems he does with them. But who am I to judge?

Tonight I was a little late with supper & I remembered rather quickly why this is my goal. He was very irritable. I wasn't much better. The combination was unpleasant. I have more ideas for crockpot meals for the future. Maybe he can come home & stir them before he picks Derek up from wrestling practice.

I spent a little time out on the hammock tonight. The light of the full moon mixed with the smoke from the tobacco barn behind us to create a silvery haze. The hanging branches still laden with pin oak leaves glowed with a mystical aura. OK, too much John Denver. But there really aren't words to describe the beauty. Going out there tonight was a good idea, as I told Randy. He was worried that my cold would get worse. I feel like it's getting a little better. I know my attitude has improved too.

I haven't written in a long time, & there's no way I could properly "catch up." So here I am. I hope to do more writing in the near future. I have lots of ideas, but usually, not a lot of time. I have to make time, I guess. I need to make time to "be still & know that (He is) God." (The verse actually says "I am God," but that would've made it look like I was trying to be God...you know what I mean.) To talk to God, & listen to the casual reply.

Tonight while being still I realized a few things. First of all, I was out there at a time I could be out there ANY night. Well, many nights anyway. The nights will soon be colder, but I should take the time to enjoy these nights while I can.

One day at work we were talking about the way we grew up. The three of us who were there that day had grown up in modest situations, not dirt poor but not much better off. I don't think any of us could've been considered "white trash," but I don't know...there are some people who probably would've thought that. But I don't, because we weren't "common" as my Granny used to say, just "ordinary decent people." Anyway, I digress. I said, "You know, there are certain things I really miss about living like I did when I was a kid. Like, I see my neighbors" (and here I add, I am NOT calling them trash, you can infer what you want) "all sitting on the front porch smoking & I think, I miss when I was a little kid & all the grownups sat around in the yard talking...some smoking, some drinking beer." They had things they missed about their childhoods too.

I thought about how many nights & early mornings I have gone out with my dog, Bonnie, & looked up at the many, many stars in the sky. Even with security lights nearby I could make out many of the constellations. Most mornings at 4:30 I am not enjoying myself out there with Bonnie, but I should be. Most mornings when I'm looking at the world through a windshield I am too stressed out, trying to stay awake or eat breakfast while I'm driving or find the right CD to practice with. I do try to enjoy the view. More often, the evening drive has the best views. If it's not dark, the changing colors get prettier every day. For awhile. If it's starting to get dark, the changing sky color is the highlight.

So...what have I learned from this "vacation" that I can take back to my daily rat race?

- to take time to be still & lie on the hammock.

- to enjoy the beauty in the ordinary, every day things.

Little victories

2008-08-02T21:13:00.011-05:00

Do you remember this song? It was on Bob Seger's album "The Distance." I probably still own this album, somewhere.

I bought it for the guy who took me to his prom that year. I saw him yesterday. He works at Vanderbilt. There's not much to tell there. It was a short visit. It was nice to see him. In all the time I have been working there, that was the first time I saw him, & I wasn't along my usual route. I did know he worked there, but I don't think he knew I was there.

That really wasn't why I thought of the song, though. I was thinking of how far I've come in a week.

This time last week we were at Randy's sister's house, "recovering" from the wedding. I wasn't recovered yet. I think Randy & I were the only ones over 21 who weren't drinking. Well, maybe Randy's mom wasn't drinking. But, we both had to drive because Randy had too much stuff in his truck, so no drinking for me. I don't drink much anyway, but I could have really tied one on after that wedding.

I picked last week, that busy week, to start the FlyLady system for housekeeping. I have toyed with it before but really, I wasn't ready for it at the time. This time I knew I was ready to make some changes. I also knew I wouldn't be ready to jump in headfirst, as I usually do. FlyLady encourages people to take Baby Steps. At first I was skeptical, until I printed off the tips for Payroll SHEs (you really need to go to her website to understand all this!). Seeing that it worked for other people who work outside the home made it look a little more do-able for me. I didn't try to do everything at once, but I did go ahead & make a control journal right off. I still have a long way to go, but I've made a lot of progress.

FlyLady's system makes the weekends mostly chore-free by doing all the cleaning jobs during the week. I haven't quite graduated to that point yet. Last week, because there was a lot of laundry to do before the week began & because we were not home at all on Friday & Saturday, I washed clothes on Sunday. I did my night & morning routines through the weekend, then added the weekly plan on Monday.

This week's zone was the living room, which was probably the cleanest room in the house before I started. We just got rid of an old recliner & couch & moved in a new couch & loveseat, so we had already straightened up a bit. My weekly house blessing helped, & by the end of the week I had the laundry pretty well caught up. Today, though, I had to employ the crisis cleaning method because Rachel wanted to have a picnic for her friends. Over the last few weeks she has, a little at a time, straightened up her room a lot, because she wanted her friends to come over. Having the house in fair condition made it easy for me to focus on what needed doing: decluttering the dining room, making the garage presentable, & cleaning the countertop in the main bathroom.

So, the picnic was a success. Several kids are still here. I need to do a little cleanup work...gotta make sure everything got picked up in the yard.

Here are some pictures from the wedding last week. I realized that my MySpace link is just to the regular site. So, here you can see the photos in small form. Now you see what I meant about being the short, fat one! But I am not dwelling on that either, because I had another small victory yesterday. I noticed my scrub pants were kind of loose in the legs. Then I remembered that when I bought those scrubs back before Christmas (17 pounds ago) they were very tight. Now they aren't!

I told Randy I SHOULD have put those scrubs on LAST Friday when I needed an ego boost. Oh, well. Rome wasn't built in a day.

The heat is on.

2008-07-31T21:12:00.003-05:00

It is really, really hot right now. Every day seems to be a little hotter than the one before. Unlike last year, we ARE getting rain, thanks be to God. It has been a hot summer so far.

Today Rachel turned 16 & she got her driver's license. Life has changed all of a sudden!

The last few weeks have been rather messy for me. In some ways, my life has changed for the better because of these last three weeks or so. In other ways, it's hard to tell if it's been worth the pain.

My niece got married last Saturday night & if you want to see pictures, check out the photo album on MySpace. I am easy to pick out of the crowd. I am the short woman. (I know. I'm the fat woman too. Don't tell my husband you noticed this. He thinks no one will notice but me. Bless his heart.) Actually these photos are really small but give me time, maybe one of these days I will put them on one of my other web pages.

I really, really did not want to be in the front row in the picture & to be truthful, it broke my heart that I had to. I am too short to be in the back & too fat to be in the front. Well, facing the reality that I was going to have to be the fat one has not been easy for me. I mean, I know I am but being reminded of it kind of stinks. Anyway, I have been on a mental growth spurt lately. I can't go into all of it but I can say this. I used to hate myself for getting fat, letting my house go & always being in financial trouble. Well, I am trying to get fitter, I am doing the Flylady system to get my house in order, & I started getting out of financial trouble last summer when I changed jobs. I used to think I hated myself because those things happened. Now I think they happened because I didn't love myself. So, I'm going to get the priorities straight this time.

I would love to write more but it is time for me to get to bed. Later!!!

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

2008-07-05T19:43:00.003-05:00

There's not really a feeling I'm trying to fight tonight. I've just had this song on the brain lately. I saw footage of REO Speedwagon (or Meatwagon, as Randy calls them) doing this song recently. Recent footage, at that - not from the old days.

I wrote a post awhile back with another line from this song...click here to read that. Well, this week I talked to that guy. One of my co-workers needed something, & he was the only person I could think of who might've been able to help her. Then the song came on while I was stressing a patient, & I knew I needed to make that call. He couldn't help her. Oh, well.

(So, if you are reading this, & you talked to me for the first time in 20 years or so the other night, & your parents live near the lake - & I think maybe you do too - you need to call me back. Seriously. If you have found this post, we need to talk. And no, I am not asking you to commit adultery!)

Today was a weird day, really. I was in a funky mood, & I mean funky in a "what is that growing in that clothes basket?" way. I didn't go to Randy's sister's house for the fireworks party. I just didn't feel like going. I have the excuse of watching the race, even though I really don't care who wins at this point. My favorite drivers, if you could call any of them that, are all out of the race. Oh, I guess I could pull for Dale Jr. I like him as well as any of the drivers who are still in the race.

I used to be really into all this, but now I barely even watch the races. In reference to my last post, I don't think racing is very environmentally friendly. I do understand why people like racing though. I have been at Daytona, where they are now, for this race, the one they used to call the Firecracker 400. To those who are there I say, SUCKERS! I'm glad it is you & not me! I would much rather be watching that race here in my comfortable air-conditioned living room!!!

That ranks up there among some of the most uncomfortable nights of my life. Greg Biffle won that race. Standing in a crowd of sweaty, smelly drunks waiting 20 deep for the buses to take us back to where we parked, MILES AWAY from the track, some drunk in the crowd shouted, "Who's Greg Biffle?" The kids thought that was funny. It took us all night to get back to our room in Kissimmee. No lie. We had a very hard time staying awake, & we were sober. It is truly a wonder that I am still here to write about that.

Living in America

2008-07-04T19:05:00.003-05:00

Happy Independence Day! Hope everyone is having a great, fun day celebrating our nation & all it stands for. Though this country is going through a hard time, I hold onto hope that the best of times is yet to come. As bad as things are, I still think this is a great place to live.

I have had a lot on my mind to write about lately. There's no way I could put it all into one post. So since I can't put everything into writing, I'll write about a topic that's on my mind right now.

I'm not really ready to declare my independence from foreign oil, but I'm working toward doing a better job of it. Oh, I don't dare kid myself that I can do it. I drive 35 miles to work & visit my family 25 miles away once a week or more if I can. And that's just the beginning of what I do to fuel the big demand for oil. But I am trying to do a better job of taking care of my world.

I bought a Honda Civic a few weeks ago. I LOVE it! I am getting about 36 mpg. This is a little less than I'd hoped for (I want perfection!) but it's better than the 27 mpg I got in the Grand Prix. I figure that as much driving as I've been doing, I ought to save about $1000 a year. Of course, I'm paying $4000 a year for the thing. I really needed a third vehicle, though, because Rachel's old enough to drive now, & a third driver in the family will be helpful. Oh, I dread it, but with our busy schedules a third car makes sense.

I have been reading a new book. Well, it's new to me - Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. It is a little more drastic of a move than I could make. I've tried changing my eating habits to help the "little guys" out in the past, & my fledgling efforts did not get far. I tried buying raw milk & naturally-raised chicken & bacon. It didn't work for me because of Randy. He was afraid to drink the milk. "You'll die because it's not pasteurized. You can't give this to the kids." He didn't have to worry - his fearful attitude was contagious, & the kids refused to drink it anyway. I didn't get sick at all. He thought the chicken tasted "wild" & preferred "the kind you get at Wal-Mart." He loved the bacon, but he totally freaked out when I told him how much it cost. "Well, no wonder we can't afford to pay off our credit cards." I tried arguing that I didn't spend $80 every six weeks to get my hair cut & colored like some of my co-workers. (And this was in the old days at my old job. I have lots more arguments now...but more on that another time.) It didn't impress him much. So, gradually, I cut my ties with that farmer's family. I just quit buying from them, & I still get their emails, but I just don't respond. It was nothing personal, I liked them very much although sometimes I felt guilty after reading their newsletters.

Every year we buy a portion of a calf from a family in our church. Their family is not dependent totally on people like us for their survival. They have a big operation & sell a lot of cattle each year. You can read about them here. Now for the purists here, I know they use artificial insemination & they give soy byproducts in addition to grass. Well, I didn't choose their beef because it was organic. I chose it because a few years ago I wanted to buy beef from someone I knew. When I was a kid my grandfather raised cattle & it just made sense to me to eat meat that's grown up nearby. It doesn't get much more local than less than a mile from the house. Randy goes for that one for several reasons. He loves the taste, for starters! He also likes the fact that overall it's cheaper than buying beef from the grocery store. You might get ground beef cheaper, but the steak & roast prices never fail to make up the difference.

I do buy eggs from a farmer about six miles up the road. Unlike most egg farmers, he charges prices comparable to the grocery store (instead of twice as high). I buy honey from them too. He is a sweet little old man with a fairly small farm, but because the price is not bad & the taste is so good, Randy doesn't give me any grief about that.

I also buy vegetables from local folks. We have a few markets fairly close to us, & there are also some organic farms along the way. Randy doesn't like their prices, in general, but as long as I use what I buy Randy doesn't tend to freak out too much about that.

I don't grow a lot because I just don't live a lifestyle that works well for that, but maybe I can do more of that in the future.

I have a long, long way to go toward lessening my carbon footprint, but I'm learning as I go. I think the Barbara Kingsolver book has helped me in one way for sure - I am doing a little better about eating at home instead of on the road.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2008-06-24T07:20:00.000-05:00

Not really. I don't like really hot weather all that much. It hasn't been sweltering the last few days, but I've been warmer than usual for about 24 hours & this is a problem for me.

But, I am happy to report that it's almost vacation time & that will be nice. We're not going far from home, but that is OK too. Maybe this fall we'll take a longer trip. Anyway, I'll just enjoy a few days with a lot less to do.

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You can't always get what you want.

2008-06-22T20:26:00.003-05:00

Wow. Two posts in one day. I haven't played the game yet. I've been tempted but I stayed away. I'll go to bed shortly. It's just now getting dark here, but O-dark-thirty comes mighty fast. Randy & Rachel are watching "No Country For Old Men." I've sort of watched it too...been checking email, planning my tomorrow, washing dishes, & that kind of stuff while the movie's been running.

I can't say I've been a lot more cheerful since I got home, but I've cleaned out the bag of medical bills (& got the checks ready to mail in the morning!), cleaned out the fridge & washed the dishes. I've washed some clothes too. So I feel like I've accomplished something.

I have been on a hippie wannabe kick lately. I have to wonder about something. Maybe there are some old hippies out there who can answer this for me. It seems to me that becoming a hippie in 2008 is more expensive than living in the mainstream. Now, you can look at this in the long term & think, well, non-sustainable living isn't really cheaper...but that isn't my point. My point is, in the short-term, it seems to be more expensive to eat locally grown food & buy earth-friendly clothing. You can save money on makeup & hair care (of course, if you have a real job you might have to invest in a few grooming products - & again, if you use the "green" stuff it's going to cost you more than the Dollar General store stuff). So, my question is this. Was it more expensive to be a hippie instead of a conformist in the 60's? I don't see evidence that it was...but I was born in 1967 so I don't know this for certain.

I know we didn't have much, & we didn't live like hippies. We lived in a trailer. My parents were young, but they weren't hippies. My mom wasn't anti-hippie. She shared a lot of their values like being for peace & accepting people for what they are. She liked some of the music but she will tell you she didn't "get" the messages, except maybe the ones about stopping the war. Most young mothers in our hometown were like Mom was back then. She liked fashion too much to be a hippie. I can't imagine my mom letting her hair grow wild. Not back then anyway. She probably also cared about the fact that being a hippie wasn't so widely accepted in our hometown back then. At that time she wasn't really ready to take that step.

My dad could've been anti-hippie. He was a clean-cut Merle Haggard fan. You know, "We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee." A few years down the road, Dad let his hair grow out a little & had Elvis-style sideburns, & would've lived in a cabin in the wilderness if he hadn't already owed money on a house in a subdivision. But a hippie he was not, even though his dad owned a VW bus.

I thought hippies were cool back then, but I didn't know about all the protests & drugs. I just knew about the psychedelic vans & clothes & the cool music, the people with long hair who said "groovy" & hung beads in the doorway. Lava lamps were cool, but like VW buses, I didn't associate them with hippies because my non-hippie aunt had one. She also had a gold Nova & watched PBS a lot.

Now I want to be a hippie but I can't seem to get what I want! But for now, I need to go to bed. Later!

Where is the love?

2008-06-22T15:01:00.001-05:00

I am in one of my moods. I think, personally, I have done a right fine job of covering it up. I doubt anyone realizes how sour I really am. I am irritable, & I don't know why.

Well, really, I do.

Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded of how much I have to do. I have so many projects that I need to work on. I have so little free time! I do have a few days off this weekend, & we'll be traveling. This is good, because there will be nothing I can do about those projects.

I have a terrible addiction to a computer game called Spider Solitaire. This may not seem like a bad thing. It would be worse to be addicted to meth, or cocaine or something that takes away from not only me but those around me. Still, this addiction has taken its toll on my life. I can waste hours that I ought to be sleeping or folding clothes or cooking or dusting or mopping or cleaning the bathroom or writing fiction or writing nonfiction or ordering windows or washing curtains or paying bills or organizing my photos or buying a new camera or taking garbage to the dump or cleaning out the Grand Prix or watching a movie or cleaning out my refrigerator or cleaning out my closet or reading my Bible. I tell myself I use it to clear my head, but instead it makes me put off the real things in my life.

Right now I'm in the car & Rachel's driving. I guess this is as good a time to write as any.

So I figured if I admit I'm addicted to the game maybe I can move on. Putting this on my blog gives me a certain amount of accountability.

I have often felt like I have thrown my life away. I have made a lot of progress in my life in the last year. I have made time in my schedule for exercise & for music. I have stretched my horizons by joining the chorus & by getting a new job. That job has allowed me to buy a new car & a new computer. I am really doing well, I just need to eliminate this one big timewaster!

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When somebody dies, I clean house

2008-06-04T14:17:00.001-05:00

I don't mean for it to be that way. It just is. I am not usually compulsive, but sometimes it just hits me.

Today a friend from college passed away. We were not close - we actually parted ways on not the best of terms - but I had still hoped he would have a happy life. Until two months ago, his life had appeared to be happy. He was the picture of health. Then, a serious, sudden infection nearly killed him, & after a long recovery process, he looked to be on the road to recovery. But this week, a new infection took his life.

His 40th birthday took place during the ordeal.

It has been hard for my friend Cindy, who knew him a lot better than I did. Her grandmother died last week. Cindy spent her 39th birthday at the funeral home.

My life is busy, as always. I'm off work today & at the salon with Derek, who just got a haircut. The dress rehearsal is tonight, the concert tomorrow. A lot going on!

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sentimental lady

2008-05-17T21:25:00.002-05:00

Things are looking up. My mom, husband & Granddaddy are improving, slowly but surely. Today Derek had his first middle school football game. It was a jamboree so there was no "winner" or "loser" but it was cool to watch him. The only bad thing was, I was in the sun on big aluminum bleachers for several hours & I got a terrible sunburn. I am taking four prescription medications & an herbal medication. After the fact, I learned that three of those medications make me more sensitive to the sun. I felt all right until I worked out on the elliptical & I got so hot I nearly threw up. I haven't felt good since.

Tomorrow is our church homecoming. I am looking forward to singing with Rachel in public for the first time.

Right now I just want to go to bed. Later!

tryin' to get to you

2008-05-02T22:31:00.003-05:00

I cannot update my web pages to let people know about the death of Jim Hager, who rose to fame with "Hee Haw." My host must be having problems. I really cannot say enough about my web host, iPowerWeb...this is the first time I've been unable to log on in the six years I've been using them.

Thanks to an upcoming birthday & last week's "tax-free weekend" I now own a laptop computer, which has pretty much done nothing except take up my evenings since I got it. Oh, I have wanted a laptop for a long time, in hopes of finding time to update my webpages & write more fiction. So far, I haven't done much except download my money management software & copying a few more programs that I won't be using on my old computer anymore. Vista won't let me use EVERYTHING I use to make my pages but I'm working on getting it all together again. Now I just need the host to let me get back on!

Life has been strange the last few weeks. I wrote about why I didn't have much time to blog last month. Well, I think everyone's getting better, if they're not well yet. Even the kids & I have had colds, sniffles, backaches, toothaches...& our flexible benefit card hasn't been working...talk about craziness.

I am not dealing really well with life this week. You can tell when I'm not dealing well with life because I play a lot of spider solitaire. However, I seem to be getting a little better. I actually watched both last week's & this week's "ER"s while I tried to update the webpage. I installed some programs & tried to do a few more things. Anyway, now I need to go to bed. I will write again soon.

more You Tube for everyone

2008-04-22T19:04:00.002-05:00

More You Tube for everyone. Here are some cute kid commercials Rachel found. Enjoy.

I feel the earth move!

2008-04-18T22:39:00.003-05:00

I don't know why I didn't name today's first post this title. I can't say I felt the earth move this morning, but I did hear the medicine cabinet rattle & then the bedroom window. I figured out pretty quickly what was happening, but unfortunately I didn't go back to bed & call in sick to work, which I will the next time I feel or hear an earthquake, because today was a pretty weird day (though I guess they all are these days, if you really look at them closely) & if I had it to do over I would have called in sick.

Well, maybe I wouldn't have called in sick. I might've just called in a personal day. God knows I have had one coming.

I'm loafing tonight. Might loaf all day tomorrow, too. To connect my work and my YouTube habits (I say that with a smirk. I really only get online about every other day anymore & I might look at YouTube once a week.) I had a patient with a lineman tattooed on his arm yesterday. So all day I sang "Wichita Lineman."

So today I sang that same line..."I know I need a small vacation!" But I can't take a vacation from everything. At work it's one set of problems. And I shouldn't say there are a lot of problems...it's more that I feel like every day I am where the crisis will happen. At home it's another set of problems. There the crises are not usually critical, but they're long & drawn out & they produce longing, & drawing out.

I am tired. Maybe I should just go to bed.

But at night I'm a junk food junkie

2008-04-18T18:41:00.001-05:00

Do you remember this song? It's about a guy who's all into the health food hippie thing by day (not that the two are inevitably linked) & eats Twinkies & Big Macs at night. It bears looking up, if you don't remember it. I'm posting this from the BlackBerry & I can't link from it, but when I get a chance I'll put a link on this post.

I am not a total junk food junkie, but I'm reading "The Omnivore's Dilemma" & let me tell you, it will make you really aware of all the things you don't want to know about the food you eat.

Now this is not the first time I've tried to eat more naturally. For awhile I drank raw milk, I've made bread from freshly ground wheat, & I've tried to steer my family toward "free range" chicken, but none of these things stuck. The unpasteurized milk scared my husband & kids, the bread took too much time, & the chicken tasted "too gamey" to Randy. I am disgusted by the whole industrial food process, but I had a hard time convincing Randy to buy local when the cost was so much more than generics at Wal-mart. It was especially hard in the pre-Vanderbilt days when we never knew when the check would be in the bank & bringing high-dollar food to work only made that problem worse. After all, if you can afford boutique food, you can afford to wait an extra day or two to get paid, right?

Anyway, I am trying to figure out some new ways to make whole foods work into a totally complicated schedule that I really don't want to change. I don't know that it's impossible to do this. It might even be less complicated, if I can figure it out. I will blog more about this later.

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Poor, poor pitiful me

2008-04-11T15:45:00.001-05:00

Reasons I don't blog much anymore:

My husband has been in the hospital.

My grandfather is still in the hospital.

I joined the Music City Community Chorus.

My mom's been pretty sick. But she is hanging in there & feeling a tad better.

My dad had a birthday.

My daughter got in trouble at school.

Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding, two hours away. Then I'm going to the reception an hour from there.

But first I am going to take Rachel to a lay speaker's conference, work out, & maybe shop a while.

In addition I've worked 35 hours so far this week. So far being a key point here. I have at least 2 to 3 more hours to go.

I have cooked breakfast, washed clothes & dishes, & driven about 1000 miles. Well, 500 anyway. Maybe I should've called this entry "500 miles" instead of what I did. But I called it what I did because I deserve a little self pity right now. I have had a hard week. I don't deserve to have a hard Friday at work. I deserve a day on the hammock.

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More You Tube for everyone!

2008-03-27T19:22:00.003-05:00

Randy & I are working on singing a couple of songs at our church's homecoming in May. One of the songs we want to do is "Less of Me" by Glen Campbell. When I picked out the song I had only heard it done by the Oak Ridge Boys, but after we started listening to Glen's version, I decided I wanted to hear more of his music again. Coincidentally, a lady who works around the corner from me was playing his greatest hits one morning shortly after this. When I went to Owensboro I found a CD in a used record store but it was awful; it was all his hits recorded in the mid 1970's with him ad-libbing. So, I took it back & traded it in for a double-CD set of Anne Murray.

Anyway...the other day I read in the paper about someone watching YouTube videos of Glen Campbell with Bobbie Gentry, & I knew I had to make time to do the same. So here you go. If you like Glen, or if you just think you might find him interesting, you really ought to search for all his videos on YouTube. Yes, in the 70's he was the Rhinestone Cowboy & he was involved with Tanya Tucker. But don't listen to him because of that. Listen to him because the man could sing, and play guitar, and write great songs. And he wasn't hard to watch back then either. (I don't like watching him later when he had the beard & all that stuff. I like facial hair all right, but he didn't really need it. The sideburns were plenty.) He picked great songs by other people too. He is still performing although I think these days he is slowing down a little. But heck, he ought to be able to slow down if he wants to.

Here are my favorites of the ones I saw tonight:

I had to post that one.

And then there's this one. I grew up being a big Beach Boys fan, too, & Glen was a Beach Boy for a short period of time. Sometime in that period, Brian Wilson wrote this song which Mike Love chose not to record. I don't know why it wasn't a hit for Glen (& it may have been, but it wasn't what got him a TV show of his own). It is amazing. Brian even says "Awesome" during this...describing Glen's vocals. Well, watch it for yourself.

Promises, promises

2008-03-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

Well, in my last blog entry, I said "tomorrow" I had other things to write. Then I didn't write for, oh, a month, I guess? Anyway, I know that's no way to keep readers interested. I don't do a really good job of that anyway!

Life has been crazy busy, as usual. Mostly, life has been good, although Derek has been really sick. I, too, have had some sickness, in the form of strep. Before that my blood sugar was all crazy & my body rebelled. Fortunately, this morning I woke up feeling like myself again.

So, since my last entry, I have had a lot to write about. I made another one of those road trips to Kentucky by myself. I drove to Owensboro in the snow on March 7. I went to the Give God Glory concerts. This was two nights of some of the biggest names in Southern Gospel. It was fun, especially that Friday night concert - Gold City, the Perrys, the Hoppers, & more. I almost didn't make that because of the snow!

On Saturday night, most of the former Crabb Family (originally from O'boro) was there. My favorites that night were the Isaacs. Their style is mostly bluegrass.

I also went to Moonlite - my favorite restaurant in the world. I shopped, worked out, & went to music stores. I enjoyed the trip, but I hated being by myself the whole time. I did not feel unsafe (well, except on that snowy ride up there) but I guess I just got put off balance by the looks of my friends & co-workers who knew I was traveling alone.

I went to Victory Church that Sunday. I enjoyed that, too, though I suspect that wasn't one of the usual services there because so many people stayed home because of the snow. By that time the main roads were clear, but many of the back roads were still slick. At any rate, I thought Pastor Kris did a great job & his wife is an awesome singer.

Not long before my trip, I got an interesting email from a lady in Nashville who told me about finding someone I mentioned in a previous entry. Now, I still haven't written to them, but I have an email

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

It's raining again.

2008-02-26T04:58:00.002-06:00

It's supposed to turn into snow. Uh huh. We've heard this before. They blow smoke & act like it's gonna be the blizzard of '08. We get a few flakes. So, I will believe it when I see it. I really am not all that excited about seeing more snow. I like snow occasionally but I am really not in the mood anymore. I'm kind of ready for spring now.

The weight loss challenge is going all right. I think I've lost a pound or two, I am trying to stay off the scale because it gets frustrating. I have been cold ever since the day we joined the Y. Well, I'm not usually cold after I get off the treadmill but I'm not hot either. If I had known dieting would make me cold all the time I would've started in August when it was 105 at sunrise every day. I think this has something to do with my blood sugar. Now that I am exercising more, my sugar runs lower, which is a good thing (it was never extremely high to begin with, just high enough to require oral medication to keep it in fairly normal range), but it also drops easier & when that happens, I get cold. Fortunately, I have been feeling pretty good, not even a sniffle.

I have run out of time for writing this morning. I need to walk the dog & finish getting ready for work. Tomorrow I plan to do some serious writing & I'll update the blog then too. A couple of interesting things have happened - nothing earth-shattering, but kind of cool - so I'll write about them tomorrow.

a change will do you good

2008-02-16T11:47:00.003-06:00

Yesterday Randy joined the Y again. This was kind of like putting a gun to my head & saying, "Girl, if you don't start eating right & exercising THIS INSTANT, you are gonna regret it." You see, in 2003, he lost 70 pounds in the time it took me to lose 20. You could barely tell I'd lost an ounce. He was skinny. It was miserable. People made snide remarks. He was kind of arrogant about it, though in his defense, he could've been a lot worse.

Egotistically, I am probably retarded. I do not use that word to make fun of people. I mean, I have emotional issues a lot of people do not have. I would rather not get into all the baggage I brought with me into my marriage, but...my self-esteem is weak. There was a lot expected of me as a child. I had good looking parents & appeared to be intellectually quite gifted. I have often felt like a failure as an adult, because I did not turn out to be pretty, successful & rich. My greatest accomplishment is that I have raised two good kids. That's nothing to sneeze at...I'm proud...but so much more was expected of me.

And those kids could still turn on me! But maybe they won't.

Anyway, when he was getting his ego stroked constantly, I was getting NOTHING positive, just ugly remarks by family members & mean-spirited co-workers. When I get nothing, after awhile I am kind of like a spoiled child who throws tantrums at the grocery store. I will get attention even if I get it the wrong way. If the hubby's not feeding my self-esteem, I'll look for someone who will. Now please don't think I go around looking over my shoulder. I don't, but back then, I did.

I didn't cheat on him. I don't think he cheated on me. But it was a horrible, dark season in our lives. He put his need to exercise before EVERY other need our family had. It was harder for me to fit in a workout because he would go to the Y straight from work, while I had to go home & take care of the kids. I resented him, a lot. It worked for awhile for him, but then things happened, & then he got big again.

He thinks I just want him to be big. I do like him the way he is, but I also want him to be healthy. I liked him when he was skinny too. My problem is that emotionally, I needed to have a good 30 pound head start on him so I don't go through that again. I felt like a failure for not having that already & I don't need more evidence that I'm a failure.

Emotionally, I am not very far removed from the last dark period of my life. I still don't think I was ready to have that gun put to my head, but it got put there, so here I am, on unstable ground again.

I have to be fairly stable emotionally in order to do my job. I couldn't care less if I'm emotionally stable at home. That's unfortunate because my husband & kids deserve for me to be strong too, but they need my income more than they need my emotional stability. Fortunately, it's mostly tears on my part - they don't have to hear me yell much. To be strong enough to do my job I have to do certain things like I mentioned in my last post. I have to avoid sad and negative music at ALL COSTS (even if it means walking out of a store, church, the funeral home, etc.). I have to fill my heart & mind & soul with positive, happy, upbeat thoughts & songs. It is a MUST. I have to compartmentalize my soul to some extent, to save my emotions until the right time.

This has set me back about 2 months in my emotional recovery from last summer & fall's dark days. I think it's great that Randy wants to do something about his health. Let me get that out there. I am proud of him. But I need MY emotional strength, & the only way I can get that is to lose the weight as rapidly as possible. The only way I know how to do that is self-loathing & beating myself to death. Emotionally, I cannot handle that right now, but I know no other way. I can coddle myself right up to 250 pounds. I can only lose weight by hurting myself.

This time I have the very slight advantage of him needing to lose more than 70 pounds, but I need to lose more than 60 myself. But, it's time for me to lose weight, & to hurry up about it. I am praying. Please, pray too.

Cold as ice!

2008-02-12T21:24:00.004-06:00

It's cold here & ice is falling from the sky.

Well, the last couple weeks have been interesting. Here is a short list of what's been going on since Feb. 2.

I went to the funeral I mentioned in my last post...work has been busier...deadly tornadoes hit our state, but left our house alone this time...Randy had some surprises for me...the kids went to Warmth in Winter, the annual youth meeting for the Tennessee Conference of the United Methodist Church...I sang & taught Sunday School...my granddaddy turned 80...we went to his birthday party...we had the annual Valentine's Dinner at church...went back to work yesterday...now the weather's crazy again (as it seems to be every Tuesday).

First, the funeral. I was sitting next to my aunt, who was sitting next to my mother, who has been sick over the last few months. First they played that Vince Gill song. Now, I love Vince Gill, I do. He is truly one of my favorites. But that song...I have listened to it in full one time since July 11, 2004 (the date of Randy's dad's funeral), & that was Saturday, Feb. 2 at my great-aunt's funeral. I got through that by counting the 484 holes in the ceiling tile above my head. When "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye" started playing, I couldn't take that. I got up & walked out.

I do not do sad songs much.

You see, Mom is battling cancer. She is doing a pretty good job, too! I believe in God's healing power & she does too. I think He has already done a great work in her. She is improving slowly. Though it is a very, very serious disease & the "odds" are not really in her favor, we have not given up! She does not dwell on the bad but focuses on the good. I do this too. I mean, if one has a 12 percent chance of surviving a disease for five years, this means that if 10,000 people get that disease, 1200 will still be here five years from now. (I do not know if those are the exact numbers. I did see percentages when she first got the diagnosis, but I really can't remember. This shows you how much the numbers have meant to me personally.) Death is a fact of life. I know that, as does she, but she is a long way from dead, I tell you! She is very much alive! And as long as she is alive & fighting, I just cannot do sad songs about dying Mamas & Grandmas. In my car, I just flip the dial. Can't do that at the funeral home. I have to save my emotional energy. I do cry, when the time is right, & I shed tears later in the service, but I just cannot let my mind go some places.

Work has been busy. I can't say busier than usual, for this IS the new "usual." We have increased our numbers in the last week or so. It's not always easy, but I am not complaining. One thing has changed lately & that is that we've come up with a better system for lunch. I am feeling a lot better about this. It is working. Let's hope it keeps working.

A week ago tonight tornadoes killed 27 people within 150 miles of us. There have been some sad stories there & some stories of hope as well.

While you're at it, read about this little girl. I work at Vanderbilt & saw this today in my email. I had to wipe away a tear.

Last week Randy surprised me by telling me he wants to get some of his friends to work on some accompaniments for me. I think he felt bad about me going to the karaoke night a few weeks ago. Many musicians have a thing against karaoke, claiming it puts musicians out of work. But, he & his buddies joke that playing instruments gives them a license to sing.

He also surprised me with a Saturday night date. Oh, by Saturday I'd figured out what he wanted to do...we went to the Station Inn to see Junior Brown. That was great! We also ate at Chappy's. That was great too...but a little more expensive ;)

Well, I've written a novel, so I'm going to go to bed now. Looks like I'll be here at the house tomorrow, instead of my trip I had planned, but that's OK. I've got plenty to do here too.

Ain't got time to fix the shingles, ain't got time to fix the floor

2008-02-02T08:33:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in awhile because life has been busy, as usual. I have done a lot of journaling in my personal, hand-written journal, but I haven't done a lot online because I just haven't felt like sharing everything that runs through my mind. Since my Madisonville trip, I haven't done much worth writing about anyway.

The weather here has been weird. We've had some cold weather followed by warm days followed by strong winds & more cold. We didn't have power one night this week. (That was the night some of our shingles got torn off the house!) I was gone all the next evening, & the night after that, Randy had the computer all torn up trying to fix another computer. (Don't ask.) Anyway, if I'd wanted to write, this week wouldn't have been a good time. I don't have a lot of time to write today either. My granddaddy's sister died the other day & in a little while I have to get ready to go to her funeral. She was 89 & had been ailing for a long time. I think the weather will be nice for the trip. Today is supposed to be a lot warmer than the last few days, but when I walked the dog at 8 am, it was still mighty cold to me.

My mood lately has been...well, sort of nasty. I have been irritated quite easily the last couple of days. I feel like a blimp, but I can't make myself get charged up about any kind of physical activity. I am trying to eat better, but I still slip up. Maybe I'm improving there a little bit, just a little. The desire of my heart is to do more singing, but I can't really figure out where I'm supposed to do that when there are no open doors around me. I do like my job most of the time, but some days I still wonder what I'm doing in nuclear medicine when I'm such a sloppy klutz. Sometimes I hate my house, but I don't have the time, money, or emotional energy to fix it up or do what it takes to move. We're talking about refinancing, but I've got to wait until the insurance company lets us know if they're going to repair our roof! In general, I do feel more positive about life than I did a few weeks ago, but I am in desperate need of a new attitude!

Well, I'm going to get on with my day. I don't have time to sit here in front of the computer.

I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now

2008-01-17T19:20:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my day off. I had been kind of sentimental for a place I used to live, so I took a road trip to Madisonville, KY. I just wanted to reminisce, I guess, & I wanted to see what had changed & what was still the same.

Recently I re-read Vestal Goodman's autobiography (and, as you can see on my last post, I've been enjoying their music lately too). They lived in Madisonville before we did. The day we moved there, we passed a church & Mom said, "I think that's the Happy Goodmans' church." It wasn't. Even if it had been, they were already gone - the family wasn't performing together anymore & most of them had moved elsewhere. I've written about them before here. And, even when I wrote that, I was looking for an excuse to visit again. I wanted to put things together in my mind...to see their old church, because I couldn't recall it anymore...to see where we lived on Princeton Road...& other places.

So, I went to Madisonville. I prayed about it, & I felt even more strongly that I needed to go. I went to the library, drove by several places, & took a few pictures. Here are a few.

Here is the first place we lived in Madisonville, the afore-mentioned place on Princeton Road. The apartment on the very end, nearest the camera, is the one. We lived there for a month, before we moved to the opposite end of the complex. It was a wild time. I took this picture from the parking lot of the Elks lodge. Lodges were a pretty foreign concept to me when I moved there. The Elks had bingo once a week. The letters on the outside of the building are "BPOE" which stands for Benevolent Protective Order of Elks. I always said it stood for Bingo Players Of Elks number whatever it was.

When we were deciding where to move, I said, "I can't live anywhere there's not a Dairy Queen." I wasn't really serious. Now I very seldom go to a Dairy Queen! But that goes back to my childhood, when the closest fast food was the Dairy Queen in Goodlettsville!

The next photo is of El Bracero, which obviously used to be a KFC. When we moved to Madisonville, it was Video-Ville, which is now located across town. We called it Chicken Video. It is still located in the building which once housed "Club Radical," an attempt to become a Christian teen hangout. When Video-Ville moved over there, we started calling it "Radical Chicken." I didn't get a picture of that place. I took this picture from the parking lot of the old laundromat where I used to go every Tuesday night & wash clothes. I watched "Growing Pains," "Coach," & "thirtysomething" every week while I washed. The laundromat seemed fresh & neat compared to the other ones in town...now it is closed, & the inside looks trashed.

This next picture is where Randy worked back then, the Messenger.

Finally, this last picture is a special place. One night when Rachel was a baby & I was angry at God about a lot of things - well, I don't want to get into all that - I wanted God to prove to me that He was real. Like a brash youngster, I was demanding & I basically said that if He didn't prove Himself to me I wouldn't raise my baby in church. Shortly after that - seven seconds, to be exact - a lady from that church called me. Rachel is a beautiful young lady now who really has God in her life & wants to get into ministry.

Vestal Goodman mentioned this church in her book as well. After the book was written, her nephew Kris Goodman became the pastor there. Yesterday I went into that church & told my story to Pastor Kris. It's strange, but after I told him my story, I felt like I could put things in the past & go on & do what God has for me to do now. I am not sure exactly what He wants - I never have been - but I know He will show me the way.

Speaking of what God wants me to do now...on Tuesday night I went to the Bridge again. I have spent an hour & a half here at the computer writing about my Madisonville trip, so I'm not going to write about the Bridge tonight, but I'll try & tell that story next time.

It's the sweetest song I know!

2008-01-09T13:01:00.001-06:00

If you haven't watched my YouTube videos that I have listed at the right of my blog, please do. I didn't actually add those videos to YouTube, but I enjoy sharing them with others. My very favorite is the one at the top, the Happy Goodman Family doing "The Sweetest Song I Know." I think I am addicted to it. I have to watch it at least once a day. It is guaranteed to make me smile!

I remember seeing them do this song on "The Old Time Singing Convention," which came on Nashville's Channel 5 (which was WLAC back then) every weekday at noon. Oh, I wish I could watch some of those clips today! I don't think I appreciated the show as much back then as I would if it were on now, but I do remember watching it & liking it a lot. The Happy Goodman Family looked like they were having so much fun, I wanted to be up there singing with them. Well, I guess I will have to wait until I get to Heaven to do that, but until then, I'm glad I can watch them on YouTube! I remember trying to decipher all four parts at once...I still do that.

I discovered MySpace this week. I've known it was around, of course, but I just created my own space there. You can check it out at: http://www.myspace.com/singingbushlady. I hear that Marisa is too hard to spell & I am tired of using "risabush" for everything. I wanted to be singingbush but it was taken. Anyway, check it out. I hope to add more of my own music there eventually.

Make room for the new!

2008-01-01T21:16:00.000-06:00

It has been a happy new year, so far!

Yesterday Mom got a good report! Hallelujah! God is good! She's still a long way from well, but I feel so much more hopeful now. It may take awhile but I feel good about how it's going.

Last night Randy played at a bar in Clarksville. They probably wouldn't appreciate me calling it a beer joint, but that's what it is. I went for one set & enjoyed listening to them. I always enjoy watching my baby out there playing his bass guitar. (all you who know me, you know how I am about those tall dark haired guys with guitars!) I know I was the only non-smoker in the place. I guess I am getting old but I can't take it like I used to. You wouldn't think I grew up in a family full of smokers. Mom never smoked, but my dad & all my grandparents used to. Granny Ione (the one who died in Sept.) quit many years ago. I didn't even know she ever smoked until years later. Dad's father smoked his entire adult life. Mom's mother quit a year before she died, from a totally non-smoking-related cause. Mom's dad quit over 20 years ago & is still around to tell you about it. We now have smoke-free holidays but when I was a kid, one had to go outside to get any fresh air. Now the smokers have to go outside!

So last night before I went to see Randy & then again after, I went to hang out with the youth who were having a lock-in at our church. Since I am old & had worked all day (& we had someone call in sick too, so I had a full day), I went home & slept in my bed last night. After I picked D up at 7 am, I came back to bed & slept until 11. I don't remember the last time I slept until 11! Around 1, I picked up Rachel from her friend's sleepover. Around 5, I took her to work on the movie the drama teacher is producing, then I picked up dinner for the guys & myself before coming home.

I was glad to get here too. It is cold & windy out. I am going back to the Bridge soon - hopefully next week. I wasn't in Nashville today or I'd have gone tonight. That wind makes me feel really bad for those folks. I wish I could give them all campers or something. Anyway, I am going back. I am kind of working on another music project too - more on that later.

Be sure you look at the YouTube videos listed to the right of the blog entries. I have added a few of my favorites. I watch some of them every day! I am also working on some changes on my main webpage. I even got on MySpace! Welcome to the 21st century!

It promises to be a good year! I'm still believing for that vacation & a slimmer body!

I don't want that much for Christmas...

2007-12-25T10:10:00.000-06:00

Like everyone else, I wish for peace...and love...and joy.

I thank God for giving us His Son, whose birth we celebrate this day.

We get so far from the reality of the reason for the season. We put the focus on outgiving other people, not because we truly want to share but so that we look more generous (and therefore more prosperous) than the rest. And if you really watch the ads, you'll find a lot more ads focusing on keeping more of those expensive toys for yourself. When did "gifting" become a word? Didn't we already have a verb for that - GIVING? But really, it IS a different action. GIVING puts the emphasis on GIVE. GIFTING puts the focus on the thing, the gift itself, the item you have to buy.

Of course, God's greatest gift was not something that you can buy, although He was sold for thirty pieces of silver.

I got a great compliment from the man of the house this morning. He told me I've really come a long way in my cooking. I guess you could take that as a left-handed compliment, like I couldn't cook worth a dime before. But, really, cooking hasn't been one of my strongest points. Oh, I was passable. I could do really simple stuff like instant oatmeal & cheese toast & macaroni & cheese. I could always make attractive salads & fairly decent cookies. I could even do good mashed potatoes & chili. But breakfast wasn't a specialty. I always made biscuits from a can. Anyway, I felt like I did breakfast all right this morning, even with biscuits from scratch!

Merry Christmas!

Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

2007-12-24T18:27:00.000-06:00

Quick! Name that tune.

If you said, "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon, you're right!

Last night I was angry. I had gotten stuck with a little job I didn't really want, & having been upset with Randy the night before for a similar situation, I blamed him once again. I don't want to get into the specifics of the argument, though I don't mind saying that it was one of those typical old married people arguments where one partner feels the other has taken advantage of them, but the fight's over & behind us now, so that's all I'll say about that.

After the argument was over & we'd made peace for the night (because that is very important for me), this song came into my mind while I was mentally reciting the Lord's Prayer.

This song came out just before this time of year in 1984, my senior year of high school. At first I felt like the song was a distraction, because it reminds me of a crush I had at the time, but I suspected that the song was there for a reason, so I let it continue to play in my head. To this day, when I hear the line about "the candle in the window on a cold dark winter night," in my mind's eye I see the single Christmas light in each window of the guy's home, overlooking the lake in my hometown.

The crush began - or at least became obvious to me - on Thanksgiving morning 1984, when I awoke from a very graphic dream about him. Before that, I barely even talked to him, though we had some mutual friends. The crush didn't last a terribly long time, but it changed me.

The guy was a lot like the man I ended up marrying. It's hard to explain, but I think I might not have given Randy a chance if I hadn't liked the other guy first. In my fiction, I also loosely based a boyfriend of one of my favorite characters on the guy & the feelings I had for him.

I thought maybe this song was a reminder to be thankful for those weird situations like a crush on someone I'd never thought about before, because you don't always know what blessings a strange dream might bring. But when, in my mind, I remembered the lyric I used as today's title, I knew why it was there. As aggravating as Randy can be, he takes me to places that alone I'd never find. And I want to do that for him. I want to do that for EVERYBODY who knows me.

Maybe not in the same way, though.

may your every wish come true...

2007-12-22T21:31:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays, as the old song goes. Merry Christmas to everyone!

I am not on strike. I haven't written because I have been working A LOT lately. I've had weekends off, but they've been busy, filled with events like concerts & ball games & shopping & driving & visiting & the usual cleaning & catching up on the laundry. I've had days off during the week, but I've had appointments & unexpected visits to the ER & the walk-in clinic those days. Work has been extremely busy.

Having said that, all is well. Derek has a cold but he's improving. Rachel is over her sinus infection. I have been healthy as a horse, praise God! I guess Randy's all right...he's not home much. He's been playing a lot. Tonight, though, he is playing cards with the guys. I am not going to talk about that. Mom is doing pretty well, considering what she's been through this year. The rest of my family is fine. One of my cousins was in a car accident this week, but she is doing pretty good. She is home & that's a good thing.

I am finished with my Christmas shopping & most of the baking but I haven't got everything wrapped. I haven't sent out Christmas cards either. I am sending Christmas cards for New Year's this year. Why? Well, between me & the photo company & the middle school, we dropped the ball. It's a long story, a chain of events.

I didn't have the extra money for pictures when the photo envelope came home. That was when we were in "the paycheck gap," when we had to make it two weeks on a week's pay.
I emailed the photo company to ask if we could order late. They said sure. I had to wait a few weeks, but I got it in around the middle of November.
I waited until this week to get worried about it. On Dec. 17, we got Rachel's pictures (which came from another photographer, but were ordered the same day).
I called the photo company on the 19th & sat on hold for 30 minutes. I left a voice mail containing my home & cell numbers.
The photo company called while I was gone (went to the post office, then did a lot of shopping, then picked up Rachel, went to Vandy to try out for the community chorus, got the call about my cousin's wreck, visited her, shopped some more, & finally, about 6:00, came home). They did not call me on the cell phone, just left a message at home.
I was too swamped at work to even think about returning the call Thursday, the last day of school for the semester.
I called Thursday night & left them another voice mail to call me at work.
They returned the call on Friday to tell me that they shipped the photos on Nov. 26. Of course, by then it was way too late to get them. For that matter, it was about too late to mail pictures, but I am going to do it anyway.

By golly, I paid $50 for those pictures, I am going to send them out.

Well, that's all I can write for today. I hope to get back on track in the next few weeks, but that's not my New Year's resolution. That would be: to be more ready for NEXT CHRISTMAS!

Only God knows how different my life may be by next Christmas. I sure couldn't have imagined the changes that have taken place since the last one.

I'll say it again: Merry Christmas!!!

Time won't give me time

2007-11-24T08:10:00.000-06:00

Remember that song? Boy George? Oh, I won't go there. I can't say I own a single Culture Club song - unless maybe there's one on a compilation CD I got somewhere - but those were all over the airwaves during my teen years, & I liked them well enough then.

Anyway, I chose today's title because my four-day weekend's half over & I have a few things to do & what I REALLY want to do is curl up & go back to sleep. It's cold outside. Oh, I am not complaining there. It was SO hot, for SO long, back in July & August, & this kind of weather is a welcome blessing. I just feel like hibernating when it's cold outside & I've just left my cozy bed.

I won't bore you with my to-do list today. I have a few little things I NEED to do & several things I SHOULD do. Strangely enough, a few of those "shoulds" actually conflict with each other. Here's what I mean. I SHOULD prepare a healthy breakfast for the family, none of whom have gotten out of bed yet, the time being 8:25 AM. Really, though, at this point I SHOULD only eat small but nutritious snacks if I get hungry & put off my next real meal until after 1 pm. Then when I go back to work Monday, hopefully I won't get ravenously hungry at completely inconvenient times.

I guess I COULD let 'em eat cereal this morning & wait until tomorrow to make whole wheat waffles. Or, maybe I could prepare the waffles for lunch. Oh, I am not going to worry about what I will eat. I'm not supposed to do that anyway. Instead I'll be thankful that I have choices to make! That there's enough food - and here in the house! - so that I don't HAVE to worry about it!

I didn't put the tree up yesterday, but I think I will today. In fact, I guess I'd better get moving so I can get the tree (& all that other stuff) down from the attic. But first, to walk the dog.

Back in black!

2007-11-23T07:46:00.000-06:00

I am NOT celebrating Black Friday! (Actually, most people, excluding retailers, should call this "Red Friday." Or, everyone could call it "Green Friday.") Oh, I may go to the little gift store in Pleasant View & sample some of their hot apple cider. I may run through the little antique store there in town & see what they have. But at 4 AM I was snoozing in my warm, cozy bed! I liked what Pamela said about the things she didn't know she wanted...or needed...or just had to have. It's 5:30 AM where she is. I wonder if she's up yet?

After reading "Affluenza" I am just so annoyed with the whole commercial Christmas scene anyway. The crowds of people knocking each other down, the long lines & packed aisles, the shelves stripped bare of the very items I came to get (because I didn't beat people out of my way to get there first) - that stuff is straight from Satan. WWJD? Would Jesus knock somebody down to get an Island Barbie playset? We do all this to celebrate His birthday...?????!!!!!

Now, please don't get me confused with some radical who will protest by not spending a dime on anyone because that is so not true. I will probably spend in the neighborhood of $1200 for gifts for people. I have actually already spent around $400 of that. I will probably receive somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 for gifts for myself. Of course, Randy & my kids will get a lot too, so it's probably a pretty fair trade. It just seems like a lot out of my pocket.

If I had it my way, I'd cut my Christmas spending by a good two-thirds. Randy & I don't really get each other much, usually around $20 worth or something. We do spend a lot on the kids, but, we are very open with them now that they're older. I find it a lot easier to give them money & let them decide how to spend it. I like giving small thoughtful gifts too. For our parents, we usually try to be very generous too.

In general, we spend a lot less on his family than mine, simply because there are more people in mine. Now, this is not REALLY true because he has a lot more relatives than I do. We just don't exchange gifts with his three aunts, two uncles, all the associated aunts & uncles by marriage, or his eleven cousins & their spouses, or their children (I think there are 8 of them). We play Bingo on Thanksgiving for prizes we bring to exchange. That's just his mother's side - I really, truly have no idea how many cousins he has on his dad's side. His dad was one of ten kids.

Randy has a mom & a sister with a husband & two kids, one with a fiancee & soon-to-be stepson. I have a mom, a dad, a stepmother, two brothers, a sister-in-law, a niece, a nephew, a brother's girlfriend, & a grandfather. (Last year, I had a grandmother too.) I am not counting my stepmother's daughter, son, two granddaughters, parents, grandmother, brother, sister, in-laws, aunt, uncles, & nieces & nephews, the number of whom I have long since lost count. I don't exchange gifts with them. I used to give gifts to my stepbrother & stepsister, but now I just give to my step-nieces, because they are just little kids. And, we have - I have - several additional relatives who evidently have a lot of money, & for them to give all their great-nieces & nephews & cousins & the like gifts ranging from $10 to $40 is no big deal. For me, 7 cousins once removed plus their 6 parents plus their 2 grandparents plus all the others mentioned before - well, that adds up when you can barely hold your head above water. I tried not giving one year, thinking they would quit. No. So, we buy, they buy.

I feel compelled to share the fact that we see them once a year. Maybe twice, if someone gets sick or dies. I have other aunts, uncles & cousins who I do see & talk to more often (or at least I did while Granny was alive) but we haven't exchanged gifts in years.

For the record, I spent more on the distant relatives this year than I usually do. I didn't spend a lot per kid, but for the grownups, I bought things that meant something to me & I think will mean something to them as well.

I feel like complaining about this makes me sound really greedy. I really don't mind giving to all these people (though it seems a bit ridiculous to continue trading with the ones we only see once a year) but I wonder just how much of my debt that I struggle with year round for what seems like forever came from gifts I HAD to buy to keep the Santa myth going...& gifts I HAD to buy for people because I knew they were buying something for me.

Next year will hopefully be different & by that I mean, better. I restarted my Christmas Club account recently, so I shouldn't have that "OH MY GOSH!!! WHERE AM I GOING TO GET THE MONEY FOR THAT???" moment next year. I hope not, anyway. I am working so much more, surely we will manage to do better.

I may put up the tree today. Rachel got up early & made us some "Butter Braid." The choir sold them a month or so ago, so I bought two. Rachel fixed the first one a day or two after we got them. Today she fixed blueberry cream cheese. Yummmmm!!! I have another one ordered from a co-worker.

We went to Dover yesterday for Thanksgiving (where we played Bingo). We had a lot to eat there too! I didn't eat breakfast, which is unusual for me. Well, on the way down there I had a "Payday" candy bar, so that I wouldn't make a pig of myself. I didn't eat a huge dinner either, just a little cottage cheese & then some hot chocolate later. It's too bad I don't often have time for a nice lunch (& siesta to follow) during the workweek. That's usually the way I eat on Sundays. Late suppers don't go well with early mornings. They probably contribute to larger waistlines too.

Well, it's past nine now so I need to get busy. Can't sit here all day snoozing & goofing off.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2007-11-16T07:26:00.000-06:00

Never mind that I don't know how I'm gonna pay for it all. . .never mind that it'll be the first Christmas without Granny, or that there's a dark cloud looming, though we blow at it really hard. . .it's still a joy to hear the music. I don't even mind seeing the decorations already out, a week before this early Thanksgiving.

I haven't written much lately, but all that's about to change. I've been reading "Affluenza" & I've made up my mind about a couple of things:

1. I'm not going to keep feeling bad about working part-time all those years. I made a conscious decision to work around my life, instead of fitting my life around my work. Though my life has changed recently, with a big increase in work & commuting hours, I can say I tried to make the most of those years. Now I'm in a new season of life. I am making the most of it.

2. This book has me thinking, sort of like that looming cloud. I think everyone in the world has heard the Tim McGraw song "Live Like You Were Dying." (If you haven't, you really ought to hear it just once.) If I knew I was about to die, what would I want to do? Not skydiving or 2.7 seconds with a bull named Fu Manchu, like the guy in the song. If I died today, my biggest regret would be the fact that I haven't written all my stories. So, why haven't I? I don't know, but I do know I need to get to work, because you just never know.

With that in mind, I have work to do!

There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover

2007-11-09T22:56:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow, just you wait and see.

I want that song played at my funeral.

You see, I married a man whose family is from Dover. That's Dover, Tennessee, not Delaware or England. I usually go to Dover once or twice a year. Thanksgiving is usually one of those days. I may go this year - I'm not sure. This year's been weird so far. I really don't know what I'll be doing.

When I was in elementary school, my parents used to take us camping down at Land Between the Lakes (LBL), just outside of Dover, but I didn't go there at all from about 1980 until 1986. During my first year of college, my best friend (at the time) & I rode through Dover on our way to visit her parents, who were staying near Paris Landing. Around that time, my grandparents bought land near there too. In high school (& the first year or so I was in college) I had a special friend whose dad grew up in that area too - in fact, he went to school with Randy's aunt.

I guess Dover was just meant to be a special place for me.

When I was crazy about the "special friend" I mentioned a minute ago, I liked listening to the Righteous Brothers, & that's when I discovered the song "White Cliffs of Dover."

I knew Randy was the one when, a few days after our first date, he played HIS Righteous Brothers album for me.

So, that song, my funeral. And now, if you're there, you'll know why. Hopefully that won't be anytime soon. I am not sick. I HAVE thought a lot about death today, though. We lost a member of our church today. He was there taking communion with us, right next to me, this past Sunday. He had a heart attack yesterday & died this morning.

Mom's former pastor died this week. I think he was buried today.

I wrote about Porter Wagoner the other day. A lady who works down the hall from me is the daughter of a country singer who died in the 1970's. (For now, we'll keep her identity private.) I have a VHS tape of the Opry Christmas special from 1967, & her dad is in this video. I told her about it the other day, & she wants to see it, so I dug it out & watched it myself. Of course, this was one of the videos I brought back from Granny's house a few weeks ago. I imagine this lady will cry when she watches it. I thought I would. One of the songs performed was "Christmas at the Opry," where the late Archie Campbell mentions many Opry stars who had passed. Now, almost all the stars on that tape are deceased, with the exception of Dolly Parton & 3 of Porter's Wagonmasters.

A young lady at church lost a good friend in a car accident Sunday morning. She came tonight to the Youth Sunday rehearsal, & she talked to Robbie & me about how hard it is to lose a friend so young. We looked at each other. We knew. I told her I would look for the poem that meant so much to me when one of my friends died during my senior year. I couldn't find my old green copy that I kept under plastic for years & years, but I found the poem on the Internet. It has obviously given a lot of people the comfort it gave me. It goes like this:

My Father’s way may twist and turn
My heart may throb and ache.
But in my soul I’m glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.

Tho’ night be dark and it may seem
That day will never break;
I’ll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.

There’s so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight’s far too dim;
But come what may, I’ll simply trust
And leave it all to Him.

For by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He’ll make.
Through all the way, tho’dark to me,
He made not one mistake.

The poem was written in 1932 by A. M. Overton, a retired minister, upon the death of his wife. It meant a lot to me that week in 1984 when nothing made sense. It means a lot to me now.

And I will always love you

2007-11-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

I started to give today's post the title "I would not give you false hope on this strange and mournful day." I just have the song "Mother & Child Reunion" by Paul Simon on my mind. It's kind of a weird song. It sounds like it's about a missing kid or something. But, according to Snopes (which is a good site for debunking urban legends), the title came from a menu item, a chicken-and-egg dish. Pretty clever name, huh?

But instead, I thought I would pay tribute to someone who died this week, Porter Wagoner. Living in the "NewsChannel 5 Viewing Area" as Middle Tennessee (as well as south central Kentucky) is known, the "Thin Man from West Plains" has been on local TV every time we turned it on since his death Sunday night. I'm sure, however, that his fans mourn his passing all over the world.

Today's song was NOT written by him, but FOR him by Dolly Parton. Knowing that does kind of change the way you look at that song, but that's not part of today's post.

Most people reading this blog know that my grandmother died about six weeks ago. She was a BIG country music fan, and certainly a fan of Porter's. I have mentioned before that I have spent many Saturday mornings here at the house putting shows from RFD-TV onto VHS & DVD for Granny. Many of those hours are of "The Porter Wagoner Show." I found it fitting that when I was a kid, I spent many Saturday afternoons in her living room watching those shows, & in her final years I took those shows back to that same living room for her to watch again.

Porter was the kind of man you could laugh at - he definitely was willing to laugh at himself a little - but there was no doubt about it, the man was an entertainer. He was a pretty good songwriter, and a fairly good singer, and a fine musician, but when you really look at his career, it's obvious that he was, first and foremost, a showman beyond compare. It is truly no wonder that his TV show lasted 20 years. And maybe it was just because I lived in Tennessee, where country music was just part of the scenery, but when I was a kid, on Saturday afternoons (before Hee Haw came on at 6 pm), no matter whose house you were in, when Porter walked down that hall in his red boots, everybody was watching.

Of course, I always figured most of us - male and female alike - were watching Dolly to see those outfits stretched oh-so-tightly over certain, uh, shall we say, points of her figure. ("And that tiny little waist!" a little old lady once told me, as we discussed the subject.) But just as Porter was more than gravity-defying peroxide hair & flashy Nudie suits, Dolly was more than her eye-catching figure and her own gravity-defying hairstyles. Porter may not have MADE Dolly a star (she probably would've done that on her own) but he certainly sped up the process by introducing her to his many fans.

To be quite honest, I wouldn't have been the country music historian I became if it hadn't been for Granny (and the country stars of the 70's & before, whose music she loved so dearly), & I plan to make a tribute page to her on my webpages. I actually have plans for these pages, but I have been so wrapped up in the other parts of my life lately (& if you don't know why, go back & read what's been happening since, oh, about August or so) that I really haven't had time for writing about country music or fiction or anything else. But, it is really just around the corner, folks, I promise. Stuff is happening, wheels are turning...give me a month or so & I should be on my way.

So this post is to say thanks to Granny, & to Porter, & to all the other country icons out there whose music & style inspired someone like me. Thanks for the memories!

there is sunshine in my soul today

2007-10-27T09:05:00.000-05:00

Last night I sat at the piano & played hymns. Now, I use the word "played" rather loosely. If you consider playing what untrained children do when they bang on the piano, you are pretty close to having an accurate mental picture of what I do on the piano. I am no real musician there. I can sort of read music, & I can sort of put my fingers on the right keys to play based on what I see & know. However, I do most of my playing with my right hand only because if I played with both hands, a four-minute hymn would take about 45 minutes. I am just really slow at figuring out every note & then getting them all right.

Despite the fact that I am nowhere near church pianist quality, I find playing hymns very relaxing. I could - and sometimes do - sit there for hours flipping through my collection of hymnals, picking out songs that we sing frequently (like "It is Well") or songs I haven't heard since I was a kid at Bethel Baptist (like "Brethren, We Have Met to Worship").

When I first started playing last night, the kids were out with the youth director for an evening of fun. There for awhile, I had my doubts about how the changes in our church youth program were going to work out for good. I can't say exactly why - it's much too complicated a subject for a blog entry & not something I'd want to publish on the Internet anyway. I feel a little better about the subject now. I think my decision to not act in haste was probably a good one. Fortunately, God gave me the sense to realize that my perception of reality wasn't extremely accurate last month. I mean, when you look at all the stuff that happened in September, that's not hard to comprehend.

Last night I thought about all this, & I thought of how we often turn our eyes from Jesus & onto the issues that divide us. Most of us Christians let too much divide us. I know we can't all agree on everything. Can we agree to disagree? Can we be united in sharing God's love? In spreading His Word? The question "What would Jesus do?" comes to mind. I wonder. I think people's ideas of what Jesus would do are vastly different based on what they've been taught in churches & in homes. I had a friend whose image of God was that of a strict, almost unforgiving taskmaster. As a child, this lady lived near my husband, who remembers the lady's father as a harsh & rigid man. (He also tells stories of the man's mental breakdown, probably the result of PTSD.)

Maybe this principle explains why I think God has a great, but also sometimes sarcastic, sense of humor. That's my Dad! I wouldn't say God's quite as sarcastic...but then Dad's not that bad either.

We humans are all flawed. Could we possibly therefore have flawed images of what God wants us to do? I think so. Obviously, people twist the words of the Bible to mean what they want them to mean. But when we look at the big picture, we should all see something close to the same thing - a loving God who gave His Son for the eternal salvation of us flawed humans.

Well, I could sit here all day & talk philosophy & theology. In the last few days, I've really thought a lot about it. But, I have things to do. I want to cook a good dinner tonight, to work on painting more of the kitchen (there's an idea for a future blog entry) & to clean the garage a little more. It was such a huge job, I couldn't do it in one day. So, those subjects will have to wait until later.

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette!

2007-10-16T20:47:00.000-05:00

I don't smoke. I smoked for about 15 minutes in my early 20's, never more than half a pack a day. I can see how people get hooked & have a hard time quitting. If they're like caffeine... Anyway, sometimes I can smell a cigarette & want one even now, all these years later.

Tonight I watched old cigarette ads on YouTube. I did not know that the Flintstones smoked Winstons. No lie. I DO - just barely - remember cigarette commercials (Marlboro, mainly), but none of the ones I saw tonight. After watching one, I remembered how I always wondered how people could ski and smoke at the same time. (That commercial is older than me, but I do remember seeing things like that in print ads.) Even then, I knew that water & cigarette paper didn't mix.

I DID know that some brands claimed health benefits. I used to go to a doctor who had cigarette ads framed on his office wall. I am pretty sure he did not smoke, but I'm sure he remembered "What cigarette do you smoke, doctor?"

I have the day off tomorrow. Yippee!!! I'm going to lunch with my friend Cindy & her son Mason.

I also plan to do some stuff here at home. I need a change in my attitude about home. I have been rather disgusted with this house for awhile. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I've never been a great housekeeper, but that's not the only problem I have with the house. I have never been too fond of the location. Randy grew up here, but his family doesn't live close by & none of his friends do anymore either.

I like three things about the location. I like the fact that it's a nice little place to walk. It's not a very long road, but it's not too short either. I like the fact that it's close to our church, and several others, too! This puts us in close proximity to several other church families as well. And, I like the fact that it IS close to the interstate. Inside the house, it is not noticeable 90% of the time, but because the interstate exit is close, driving in bad weather is usually not that bad.

I dislike several things about the location. It is close to almost nothing except what I mentioned before. Not close to my workplace or Randy's, or to the school, or to our families, or to a grocery store, bank, restaurant or post office. Now, country living is all right, but when nothing is close to anything else, it does make things complicated. Time-consuming, too. I dislike the proximity to all the other houses. If I'm going to live 6 miles from the grocery store, I'd like to have a little privacy. Things have gotten a little better between us & the neighbors, but it's not private enough.

The kids want to live in Pleasant View, in a subdivision, or somewhere they can be close to their friends & their houses. I understand that, but it is of no consequence. They hate it here, & by the time we repair our financial situation so that buying a new home is a possibility (rather than a huge leap that could bite us hard), they will be grown & gone & then I'll be here in this house without them. Then, I'll be looking for a place with NO land & NO privacy so I won't have to take care of the yard when Randy can't do it anymore.

In general, there is not a lot I just love about the house. I am fairly indifferent about most things about it. I don't hate the yard. I sort of like the color of the brick. I sort of like the fact that it's brick. Most of the things I like best are the things I had something to do with changing from the original. I like the central heat & air. I bought that. I like the floor in the living room. Randy installed that. I like the vinyl siding. My dad & brother added that. I like the bathroom we had repaired. I paid for that too.

When Granny died, I went to her house & picked up the country music DVD's I made for her. I joked that I always knew I'd have to bring those back home someday, but I figured by then I'd have more room to store them. And you know what? I still can't believe she's really gone. It just doesn't seem possible. I keep thinking that I'll go to her house & she'll be sitting there in that old blue chair that used to belong to Randy's dad, & she'll be watching basketball...or the Food Network...or the news, with the cat on her lap. But I know that's not true.

Anyway, I don't have much room to store the DVD's or anything else, either. I try not to envy the people who do, but it's hard when all your co-workers, your brother, & your kids' friends live in houses that are 2 or 3 times bigger than yours, with paved driveways & permanently installed dishwashers & more than one bathtub. I think, in general, that most Americans have more house than they need. Seems like everyone wants one that's bigger & better than the neighbors'. And, really, people build too many of them too. Here in TN, though, seems like once they get built, they get filled up. Where do these people come from??? This size house was fine for families 30 years ago, so why isn't it now??? We have too much stuff.

So, on that note, I'm going to bed. I can't sit here & ramble on about it. It makes me angry to think about Randy's attitude about it, the kids' attitude about it, my attitude about it, & the reality that no matter what attitude we have, we are stuck here for at least another year.

Can you feel the love tonight?

2007-10-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

You could if you were here. I'm in my apron, drinking real milk, eating chocolate chips I just made with flour I just milled...the domestic earth mama has returned!

Just kidding, sort of???

Actually, after I came home dog tired last night, I did a lot of thinking. While I have no regrets about leaving my previous job for my current one - not by a long, long shot - the change in lifestyle has not been all it promised to be. Yet. I think it's coming. Right now I am still too broke to buy a hybrid with a plug for my mp3 player, or to have Randy bring the kids to Nashville on a weeknight so we can see live music after I get off work. For that matter, I have to get to bed really early on weeknights, because I have to leave the house by 6 am or I'll be late. Too many nights up past 9, & I can barely function by the end of the week. Ten hour days are tough. I get home 12.5 hours after I leave every day.

I've been broadening my horizons by listening to books on CD during the drives. So far I have listened to "Sisterchicks On the Loose," by Robin Jones Gunn, "The Year the Colored Sisters Came to Town," by Jacqueline Guidry, & now I'm listening to "I Hate to See that Evening Sun Go Down," a collection of short stories by William Gay. "Sisterchicks" is not my usual kind of read, but I enjoyed it. I was a little disappointed to learn that the next Sisterchicks book wasn't about the characters Penny and Sharon because I had really come to love them! My favorite so far is the Jacqueline Guidry book, but I'm enjoying the work of my fellow Tennessean. In one story a character is named "Stayrook," which is an unusual name but the maiden name of the mother of one of my best friends. Mr. Gay lives in Lewis County, & my friend's mom's family lives next door in Perry County. I have other friends in Perry County too, & I recognize some of the towns he mentions.

I am very thankful that Randy helps me a lot. I think he felt sorry for me there for awhile. I was in such a daze there for a few weeks, when Granny died & then Mom had bad test results. But, she is feeling a lot better & I am too. She has returned to work part-time, which is perfect, because it keeps her busy without wearing her out. She may go back to full-time, after she regains some of her strength. But one step at a time.

One step at a time in the changes in our lifestyle, too. For awhile I tried baking my own bread, making my own butter, & all that stuff, back when I was working part-time. There is something really wrong with the world when it is cheaper to buy canned carrots than fresh ones & to buy factory-made soap than homemade. Before I got this job, it was too costly to keep messing up practice loaves of bread. That's sad. Now, I don't have lots & lots of extra time (case in point: I need to go to bed NOW.) but I do still have a day off every week, besides the weekend, & so today, I spent a little time making old fashioned cookies. Yum.

you better stop and smell the roses

2007-10-07T14:12:00.000-05:00

I wish I could smell today. I am congested. I dreamed that I was congested, & when I woke up, I knew why. So, we stayed home from church. We weren't planning a trip to see the family this afternoon because Mom had plans. She was planning to either celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday with her family, or her brother's birthday with his.

We didn't get invited to either of those. I didn't expect to be invited to my sister-in-law's family dinner. Randy's mom doesn't invite my brother & his family to Randy's birthday dinner (though I'm sure they'd be welcome). As for Mom's brother's big surprise blow-out (which is going on right now, so it's not a surprise anymore), I think they all believe we live SO FAR AWAY that we wouldn't be able to come. I tell myself this, so I won't think it's because they just don't want us around. Really, though, I think it's more like what I said. We live 25 miles away - only about 250 feet from the very county in which they live. I drive further than that to work every day. But because I don't live under foot in Ridgetop, I might as well still live in Kentucky, like I did FOURTEEN YEARS AGO.

As it turned out, I had a cold today anyway. Instead of rushing around today, wearing myself out, I'm taking a day of rest, hoping to feel better tomorrow when I hit the ground running & go back to work. Yesterday the whole family went to eat at the Blackhorse in Clarksville (half courtesy of Jostens, who gave a gift card as a Bingo prize at the employee picnic last week), then Rachel & I went shopping for awhile, until I got a blister on my foot. She & I were both tired & stressed by the time we got home. She spent the night with her friend Ashley, Derek spent the evening with his new Xbox 360 (which, I am proud to say, he sold other games, etc. to pay for!), & Randy laid on the bed watching TV while I watched "ER" & burned some Elvis stuff I had on TiVo to DVD for my personal collection. I just love the 70's concert with the light blue jumpsuit.

So, I guess I'd better get up & do some stuff to get my week organized. Fortunately, this week should be slightly easier than most because the kids are out of school & Randy's off work part of the week. If I can organize the household chores so that the house doesn't get too dirty & the clothes stay washed, then maybe the kids (Rachel, at least) can help with dinner, & maybe I won't be spending tons of money all the time. Of course, this means the kids will be eating me out of house & home...but not costing me as much in lunch money.

Later!

just a quick note...

2007-10-01T05:48:00.000-05:00

Went to see Mom yesterday & she seems to be doing pretty well so far. She went to church & evidently to do a little shopping before she got home. She got tired after lunch but still seems to be doing so much better than last week! So things are improving!

Wake me up when September ends

2007-09-27T22:14:00.000-05:00

I seem to remember complaining a lot last September too, & using this song as a mantra. Well, I didn't know crap.

I had a stress test last September. Band kept me extremely busy, as did the rest of Rachel's social life. A quote from last September: "And there were parents at the first band boosters meeting who wanted to know why we weren't going to MORE contests. These are people who don't have a blanking life...I just mean, anyone who thinks our band (or any band, for that matter) needs to go to more than six contests in eight weeks (and really, they're going to seven - they're doing two one weekend) is certifiable."

Another quote from last September: "The hemorrhage of money is unbelievable. I know people told me this before I had a high schooler, but I didn't realize just how serious this problem would be. I don't think I would've believed them if they'd had the words to convey the reality to me. It's like this. Imagine your fingers representing your paycheck, after taxes. Now look at your pinky. Now imagine all the other fingers, and the top two sections of your pinky were cut off. See what would be left? THIS is what you have to live on until your next check. Oh, and by the way, the cupboard is bare and your mortgage and two car payments are due. Good luck."

Nice to know some things never change, ha ha. Seriously, although we are still hemorrhaging cash, at least we are a little better off this September there. Randy played the Toy Run again this year, like he did last September, among many other gigs. Funny, I don't feel like his playing helped us financially one iota, but my new job kind of took up the slack there.

Ah, but then life got really interesting.

I missed Granny today, when I thought, she knows how I feel. But she can't tell me now.

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood, & nothing seemed to go my way. The dishes were piled high when I got out of bed. There was trash on the floor, & the trash can was overflowing, & there were no trash bags in the kitchen. (There were some in the garage, though!) It rained so the drive stunk. Work went okay. In fact, after lunch, things did seem to go somewhat smoother, but if they'd gotten any worse than they were at 12:30, I would've thought God hated me.

Today, we learned why Mom's been in so much pain. I don't think I can forget the look on her face when she came out of that room. I have never seen that much sadness on her face. But like I told her, at least now we know why, & now they can treat her. They are trying something different this time - a hormone therapy. Hey, in six months she could be out doing everything she wants to do again & making me look like an old lady.

Hopefully.

I do feel a lot older this September than last. I can't explain that. Oh, sure, I'm 40 now. I have tons more energy, thanks to the CPAP, but I kind of like I did one day in college, when I got a stomach virus while I worked at the daycare. When I threw up, I had to clean it up. Nobody was there to take care of me. We didn't even have a janitor to do it. That was the day I realized - I was the grownup now.

I'm fortunate - I still have my dad, & my mom, & my granddaddy. But now it is my turn to be strong. That makes me feel old. Daddy calls me & asks me about Granny's stuff. I haven't talked to Granddaddy yet. Oh, that's going to be hard for him to take. I am glad it wasn't me who had to tell him.

So keep us - especially Mom - in your prayers. Also, if anyone knows of any assistance programs we could apply for, please let me know. Mom has been working, but she's not going to be able to do that anymore for a while - possibly not ever. I mean, they probably can't hold that job open for that long. I don't want Mom to have to worry about money.